Thursday, June 25th, 2009
Richard Bandler - one of the co-creators of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) has written a book called “Get the Life you Want”. In it Bandler has distilled many of the NLP tools that he uses himself, to help people to make positive changes in their lives.
Let me say straight away that Richard Bandler is not a sweet talkin’ guy. He’s a straight talkin’ guy. And whereas many self-help books tell you that they’ll let you in on secrets, and hitherto unknown techniques you can use, I often find that they weren’t secrets. They were things we all knew already, but presented in a new way.
Not so with this book. The exercises throughout the book are ones that have been specifically designed using NLP. The book is packed with hands on exercises that anyone can do to help themselves. There is a glossary at the back to explain some of the NLP terms, but I would advise you not to get hung up on the terminology. Read through it all. If you don’t understand it all, use the glossary. But - do yourself a favour - pick this book up believing it’s going to be easy.
By page 6 Bandler has introduced us to the submodalities, which is the sensory language we use to understand our world and organise our thoughts and feelings. We intake everything we experience, through our five senses. Then we file it away and it becomes our store of experiences. This is the file we access when we want to understand something new. How does it look compared to what I already know? How does it sound compared to what I already know? How does it taste, smell and feel? Becoming aware of how we interpret our world and make sense of it is the key to the exercises in the book. If something makes me “feel” sad, where in my body do I feel that feeling? Which way is the feeling moving in my body? What is my experience of the feeling of “sadâ€. It might seem a little odd, at first, for people with no experience of NLP. Most of us are not used to thinking of where we feel a feeling, or which way it moves, or what colour it is.
Bandler then focuses on how we view or “mentally code†time (timelines). When we think of a past event, where do we picture it? Behind us? To the left? The now - where do we picture it? Underneath our feet? Overhead? The future? Discovering how we represent Time is also a prerequisite of some of the exercises. This too can be used to change our view of past events, and our difficulties with current or future events. Bandler says:
“We think about time in certain ways. The images of the past will be in a different place than the images of the future. … The key is in learning how you can begin to change the way you think and feel about your past, present and future.”
This is all dealt with right at the beginning of the book, and for a very good reason. He uses the power of our submodalities and our timelines, in the exercises, to effect change in our feelings and behaviours. From the very beginning, every chapter has exercises to do straight away. There is no need for equipment, or meditation, or anything other than commitment to engage fully with the exercises. They are done in a step-by-step, simple, fluid way. There are no difficult instructions, or language or psycho-babble, just straight talking guidelines.
This is very much a hands-on type of book. Don’t just read it. That will be interesting enough, but the power lies in doing the exercises. They are easy to understand, once you’ve gotten used to the idea of the submodalities.
Like a lot of “exercise”, it may feel odd at the beginning. It might seem strange to be doing an exercise in “How to feel Wonderful” or “Changing bad feelings”, but that’s exactly what these exercises are designed to help you do.
It’s well worth getting used to the idea of submodalities right from the start, because you will see them repeated constantly throughout the book. Every exercise focuses on how we see, hear, feel, taste and smell everything in our world. The premise of the book is that the only thing that WE have the power to change is OUR view, OUR belief, OUR behaviour. Trying to change the other person, or the situation we’re in, is like trying to hold back the tide, or trying to change the world to suit our beliefs. But where we do have power is in changing our own view of, and interaction with, the world.
And that is the genius of this book.
It’s like, by learning to understand our own intrinsic language, we are learning to understand all the languages of the universe.
The sections of the book (that are crammed with practical exercises) are:
Getting Over: Bad suggestions; Fears and phobias; Bad memories; Grief; Bad Relationships; & Bad Decisions.
Getting Through: Habits and Compulsions; Recovery; Resignation; Big Events; Tests; & Obligations.
Getting To: Fun; Love; Meet People; Important Duties; Exercise; Be More Organized; Make More Money; & Make Big Decisions.
All this is done using exercises focusing on changing our submodalities, our feelings about events, and our choice of reaction to the events life presents us with. Bandler uses case histories (presumably with name changes) and stories to help us understand the changes in a subtle way. Ever since we were born, we listen to stories - the stories of our parents, our teachers, our friends; the stories of people we admire and want to be like; the stories that help us identify our values; the stories that become our deepest held beliefs. So Bandler is very cleverly using stories to help us access those beliefs and make the changes that are most useful for our lives.
There is also a free CD with some editions of this book (I now own two copies of the book - because firstly I bought the hardback that had no CD, and then I bought the paperback with free CD!). This is to help you access the part of your mind (your subconscious) that is responsible for making the changes at the deepest level. Don’t worry - it’s not hypnotic or trippy! It’s just relaxing and enjoyable. I listened to it in the evening, when I relaxed before bedtime. I found it easy to listen to and it complements the exercises in the book, but you don’t need to use it for the book to be effective.
At the back of the book, there is a Glossary of Terms, a list of Recommended Resources and some information about The Society of Neuro Linguistic Programming.
I love Bandler’s own view of the book:
“The lessons that I have presented in this book are nothing more than lessons in how to manage life. They are lessons in how to manage your thoughts, your feelings and your time, so that life becomes more wonderful. This isn’t a philosophy. This isn’t an ideology. It’s not a religion. It’s just a set of tools to make things easier. The easier you can make it inside your head, the easier it will make things outside your head. It will not only be easier for you but for those around you. It will allow you to live more happily.”
And that’s what this book is - a DIY guide to making your life more happy. Sounds good to me!
Tags: Beliefs, NLP, Review, Self-help
Posted in Beliefs & Values, Human Behaviour, NLP | 2 Comments »
Monday, June 22nd, 2009
I often read self-help books (no kidding?!) and many of them talk about compassion and forgiveness. There is an emphasis on the fact that, if we do not have forgiveness and compassion we cannot move forward with our lives. I agree. Much of the baggage we bring (let’s face it - drag) with us from our pasts, is an accumulation of unforgiven acts or words, and a lack of compassion or understanding of how things were then.
“If I had only said that, or hadn’t said what I did say”
“If only I had told them”
“If only I could have let go my hurt and moved on”
“If they only knew how hurt I felt”
my life would have been, or now would be so much better.
What is the advantage to us of holding onto the hurts of the past? Is it to avenge ourselves on someone? To hope that they will feel the hurt we did and somehow understand how much we suffered? In reality - after the event - who is left hurting? We are. Not the “perpetrator” of the “crime”.
And where does that leave us? What role is left for us to play?
That’s right - if we’re not the “perp” then we must be the victim!
I bet none of us wants to land that role! We can readily point to friends/acquaintances whom we see as being victims. We pride ourselves on not being that type at all. Never!
During my coaching last year I was, on one occasion, horrified to hear my own coach refer to certain of my behaviours as “victim”. I was angry with her and refused to believe her at all. Of course, very soon I had that sneaking little feeling that I was only angry with her because I feared it was true. It was like a slap in the face for me, but a well-intentioned one and eventually I was grateful for it.
I’m not suggesting that we need to trawl back over our past lives and try to reverse or forgive every act from the past, but I am all for starting from right now. If I can start from right now, to be compassionate and understanding of myself, then I am in a better place to leave hurts behind and move on with my life.
The first and most important forgiveness has to be for ourselves. If I spend the next period of my life not forgiving myself for the baggage I’ve carried from my earliest years, I’m just giving myself all the same grief all over again! Stop it! Stop it now!
Let’s try - at the end of each and every day - to take a moment to show ourselves forgiveness and compassion. You could devise a little mantra for yourself, like “I forgive myself for any hurts I may have caused myself or others during this day, and I forgive others who may have hurt me today”. Or something like that. After a week of not dragging little hurts and conflicts with us, how will we feel?
How will you feel?
Tags: Behaviour, Coaching, Forgiveness, Self-help
Posted in Beliefs & Values, Human Behaviour, Self Development | No Comments »
Monday, June 15th, 2009
For this month’s Feelgood Task, I’m promoting Deepak Chopra’s Law of Giving. He says:
“The universe operates through dynamic exchange … giving and receiving are different aspects of the flow of energy in the universe. And in our willingness to give that which we seek, we keep the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives”
He suggests that the best way to put the Law of Giving into practice is to give something to everyone you come into contact with. It doesn’t have to be a physical gift. It can be a smile, a friendly “hello”. It could be a thoughtful compliment, a cheerful greeting. Gifts of care and appreciation are often worth more than money can buy.
How cheered, valued or rewarded do you feel when someone takes the time to notice your hard work, or to compliment your outfit? How pleasing is it to hear thanks and praise when you put a meal on the table for friends? The thanks, the praise and the smiles are the gifts we can give that bestow blessings on the giver and the receiver.
Try it for the month. I promise you will feel better for it. And it won’t interfere with cash-flow!
Tags: Deepak Chopra, Law of Giving, Smiling, Values
Posted in Beliefs & Values, Feelgood Tasks | No Comments »
Monday, June 15th, 2009
I’ve just been reading an article that confirms what we all know already - laughing really makes us feel good. And if we feel good, it improves our health. I’m not saying that laughter is a cure for disease, but it makes us feel better no matter what we are going through, whether they are mental, physical or emotional issues.
Here’s a clip that was sent to me on Twitter (I’m “ MegaPotential” on Twitter) who tweets under the name of “ SellingGenius“. It made me laugh out loud. Y’know - some days when I’m trying to get myself in a better frame of mind and stop listening to my little inner voice (not the good one!) I need that “Stop it!” for myself. I expect it might have limited use in my coaching practice though!!!
Tags: Coaching, fun, Humour, laughter
Posted in Feelgood Tasks, Humour | No Comments »
Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
Do you ever look in the mirror? Not to fix your make-up, or to check how gorgeous you still are. But do you ever look yourself in the eye in order to know yourself better, the way you would look into the eyes of someone you were trying to know better?
It can be difficult for us to look at ourselves beyond the superficial, hair and make-up level. We are used to checking our appearance first of all when we look at ourselves. We rarely look long enough to make a connection.
When you meet someone new, if you want to get to know them better, what do you do? Look at the floor when they speak to you? Look up at the sky in the hope of finding a divine answer? No. You look into their eyes while they speak. You attend to what they are saying. You watch their eyes for the truth in what they are saying. You look for the confirmation of the words they are saying.
We all know when someone lies to us. As children we were used to the impossibility of telling a lie when someone was looking us straight in the eye. And how do we demonstrate early signs of falling in love with someone? We love to spend time looking deeply into their eyes.
So why not do it for ourselves? Probably for both the reasons above.
Firstly, if we look ourselves in the eyes and say “I love and accept you” - we will immediately know if we are telling the truth or not. If we are finding it difficult to say this to ourselves, why? What are the feelings that come up for you if you say “I love and accept you” to yourself in the mirror? Do you hear a critical parent or friend telling you you’re not worth it? Maybe you feel that you are not perfect enough to be loved? It could be that, in place of judgemental others, you have come to be your own harshest critic.
Secondly, looking deeply into our own eyes would mean taking on that critic, or judge or negative voice that we have inside us. It would mean learning to, or being willing to love and accept ourselves. That is often very difficult to do. If we have a (so-far) lifetime of being a certain way (e.g. judged or criticised) it can be scary to change that way of being. We’re used to it.
What would it be like to fall in love with yourself? How would it be to have that warm, deeply contented glow inside? And know that we are the reason for it ourselves? How wonderful would that be?
Tags: Change, Criticism, Mirror Work, Self Development, Self Improvement
Posted in Beliefs & Values, Confidence, Self Development | No Comments »
Monday, June 8th, 2009
 Self Development Here is an NLP exercise that is a really easy and effective technique you can learn and apply every day on any number of problem areas. If you’re anxious about something - try this. If someone gets you really angry - try this. If you have to do something that needs more confidence than you believe you have - try this.
This NLP technique is very useful when you want to change a negative feeling you have about something, or change your approach to something. It’s easy to hear how “If you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep on getting on what you’ve always got”, but it’s not always easy to change what we do. Self development requires work and attention, but it doesn’t have to be hard work.
If you have an issue that causes you a problem (e.g. a colleague who “rubs you the wrong way”, or recurring problem that never seems to change for you no matter how many times you tackle it) here is one way of dealing with it:
- Picture the problem, whether it be a person or event. Bring it to mind as fully and accurately as you can. Make it as clear as if it was happening now. Give it the colours, sounds, movement, smells etc. that the real situation would have.
- When you have an accurate visualization of the problem - change the elements of the picture. So - if the image is big, horribly real-life size, movie-like and loud, then move the picture far, far away. Turn down the volume on the picture. If it was a movie, then make it still. Drain all the colour out of it. Allow the accompanying emotion also move far away, grow paler and quieter.
- Notice how much differently you feel about it as a tiny image, far away, black & white, silent and still.
- Repeat the process, changing the picture/visualization of the image or event, weakening it, paling it out and allowing your emotional response to it to weaken too.
- When you’ve repeated this a few times, test it by bringing to mind the original problem. Now how much better do you feel about it?
You can do this with anything at all. If you have to make a speech or presentation, if you have to face someone who intimidates you, if you have to chair a meeting of your peers, if you need to remove the anxiety you feel at some forthcoming event - you can use this exercise.
The trick is to repeat it as often as you feel the need. Consider it your daily self development boost. Never underestimate the power of such a simple personal improvement technique.
Tags: Change, NLP, Self Development
Posted in NLP, Self Development | 2 Comments »
Friday, June 5th, 2009
Watch out for “SoundBites of Self Development” on Twitter. Some days it would be great just to have those few words of encouragement, or support for what you’re doing. I’m hoping that Twitter will facilitate that. I can broadcast a message (or send one privately) just 140 characters long. Just long enough for a sentence or two of help or of interest.
Yes, I’ve done it! I’ve decided to try out the phenomenon that is Twitter. If you have any hints, please let me know, because I’m a newbie. My hope is that this may be a way to have a wordwide converstation about self development, NLP, personal development and all things life-coach related.
I attended a lunchtime seminar on Wednesday. Yesterday I set up my profile “ MegaPotential“. Sounds flashy, but basically LifePotential, YourPotential, MyPotential were all gone, and I thought WHAT could be left? So - MegaPotential it is!
Already I have connected to a coach in the States -Beth Banning - whose goal is to “offer ideas that promote conscious conversation, inspire conscious action, and create a more conscious world.”
I liked the sound of that so I’m “following” her. I can search for terms like “self development” and scan through all the people who tweet on self improvement issues. For me, it’s like if I wanted to ask something from a group of friends and I stood up in the group and asked my question, or made my statement. With Twitter - the world is my group of friends. When I send a short message, or ask a question, I’m standing up in front of the world and asking for response.
I like the fact that, whereas FaceBook, Bebo, etc. are about linking all your friends and family, Twitter is about finding new friends. I can have conversations with like-minded people all over the globe without having to meet them or know them first. Maybe I will meet up with some of them, someday. Who knows?
So watch out for Soundbites of Self Development, and if I get any from anyone else that are worth passing on, I shall “ReTweet” them.
Tags: Coaching, Friends, Self Development
Posted in Creativity, Life Coaching, Self Development | No Comments »
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
Thanks to one of my friends on Facebook for sending me this link. I love the idea that one person can take an issue and using just their own knowledge and influence, can bring it to the whole world. There’s hope for all of us!
Music is a great unifier, across cultures, tribes, beliefs, traditions and difficulties. These musicians weren’t even together physically for this piece, but unified in musical spirit. I love it. I hope you do too.
Music can speak straight to our souls, when our minds might be too logical and analytical, and our hearts might be too full of hatred or grief. The truth of the balance and harmony of music can leave us speechless. And so it should be. It unites us at a level that is pre-language, basic and essential. It is our universal language that can never be ignored.
Listen and see how much you can enjoy it.
Tags: Beliefs, Change, Friends
Posted in Beliefs & Values, Creativity | No Comments »
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