… any road will get you there. This is a quotation often attributed to Lewis Carroll - mistakenly. But it sounds good.
Goal Setting
The actual text of Alice’s conversation with the Cheshire cat, from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland is:
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” asked Alice
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“–so long as I get SOMEWHERE,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”
This brought to mind, for me, how I deal (or don’t deal) with goal setting. We’ve talked about this before I know, but it’s an issue that comes up again and again for people. I’ve likened it to heading off in the direction of your destination, but without a map and just hoping that eventually you’ll end up where you want to go.
Listen, I have a very poor sense of direction and when I set off somewhere -even WITH a map - I often end up somewhere else! I dread to think where I’d be without one.
But when it comes to life goals, I’m in a dilemma. If I’m trying to live “in the now” how can I have long term goals? And - if I have goals, then how can I be living in the now?
As a mother I’ve become used to reacting to everyone elses’ needs, all day, everyday. That’s normal. You have to be able to respond to whatever situation crops up, often involving picking someone up unexpectedly, cleaning cuts and worse, and searching the household for something that can be used (always at the last minute) for a class project that you only find out about on the morning it has to be submitted!
So how can I turn this around? How can I set and achieve my own goals?
Well I’m proud to tell you I’ve started. As always, I’ve had to get to grips with goal setting in a small way first, before I can replicate it elsewhere. For me the key was firstly to acknowledge my previous successes. I had difficulty with that, I felt awkward and unworthy praising myself for things I expected to succeed at anyway. Perfectionist tendencies! But I’ve been working on that for more than a year now and I’ve made real progress.
The most useful change in my pattern was to start acknowledge my past successes, and beginning to feel proud of myself. Then I began to be able to look forward to setting new targets for myself, and praising myself for those successes. I suppose, up until that, there was no psychological “reward” for my achievements, so there was no joy in setting up new goals and targets.
This is an ongoing process, so - if I think about Alice (above) - I can see how I was always going somewhere, but without any direction there was a lot of energy spent getting places I wasn’t sure I wanted to go!
Well, I’ve always like the idea of preparing for Christmas by focusing not on the commercialism, but on the real magic of Christmas. There’s a special feeling around Christmas that is nothing to do with giving and receiving gifts. It’s about giving and receiving of ourselves and our time and our love. It has a real feel-good effect and that, in turn, passes on to others.
Every year I prepare an Advent calendar at home. I have a cloth calendar, with one little gift bag for each day from the 1st to the 24th December. Along with a little treat of a few sweets or a tiny gift, I put a little piece of paper with a “Thought for the day” on it. It’s as simple as saying hello to people you meet on the street, or hugging someone you love, or remembering to tell someone you love them.
I started doing it when my children were small and, even though they are now grown, they still love the thrill of a little daily reminder that Christmas is coming (and the sweets of course!).
I’m not crazy enough to think that it’s all fun and games. Many people have great difficulty getting through the season. Even more reason to start preparing beforehand. Every day, from now till Christmas, do some small thing to bring your focus to the positive. It might be as simple as taking time to smile and thank people sincerely for any little interaction today e.g. at the supermarket - really thank the assistant, smile and look them in the eye as you say thanks. It’ll make a big difference to them and to you. And if you’re having a tough day - even more reason to bring some light and sunshine into it!
The more people who buy into this, the more relaxed and enjoyable your preparation for Christmas will be. If you’re stuck for ideas any day - follow my Twitter messages. I’ll be tweeting throughout Advent and suggesting a focus for the day. There will be nothing that costs money, just a little of your time and effort. You’ll find it so worthwhile to engage with Christmas in a more positive, stress-free way.
You could even write it out for yourself and pin it up on your noticeboars, or stick it on the refrigerator door, or slip it in your purse where you’ll see it every time you open it. You know yourself how to make the most of it. Let me know how it works for you.
I came across this video clip recently on YouTube, and I love it. I don’t know who made it or promotes it, but - as always here at LifePotential - I’m happy to pass on anything I feel will help us develop ourselves to the fullest. Our behaviour is often influenced by little things we see or hear. See what you think of this.
This is really about going the extra mile, doing that bit more, providing that extra special service. I read an article in the Irish Times last week about a woman who is opening an old fashioned Tea Shop in Co. Cork. Her research included a trip to afternoon tea at the Ritz in London. She said it cost her £42 per person, but that it was worth every penny of it. Now - do the Ritz serve better tea than anywhere else? I doubt it. Do they make better cakes/scones than a home-baker from Cork? Most unlikely. So why did she feel it was worth it?
She said that the welcome, the service (they had a waiter dedicated to their table), the crisp white linen cloths & napkins, the smiles, the “nothing-is-too-much-trouble” attitude made it worthwhile. She decided that that atmosphere was what she wanted to replicate in her tea shop. She bought proper china cups (from charity shops) rather than mugs. Her daughter decorates each cupcake individually by hand. She makes the tea in old fashioned china pots with knitted tea-cosy, on to keep it warm. All in all, she is bringing the care and attention to detail of her Ritz experience, to her own tea shop.
I found it a warming read, just to see someone going that extra mile to provide a luxury service to her customers. And she’s not getting 42 pounds a go for it. But I hope that she is getting loyal and happy customers. People know what they like: - they like to be welcomed, treated well, fed good food in good company and to leave with a smile on their face.
There are always areas in our daily lives where we have the chance to do a little bit extra for someone, to give a little more, to try a little harder, to be more pleasant in an exchange (smiling costs nothing as we’ve proven before!), to be more welcoming, to offer to help, to spend 5 minutes with someone who needs company. There are as many opportunities as there are moments in the day. Try some for yourself. Tweet me how you get on. You can start right now. If you’ve ever thought how someone you know would like to read these blogs or tweets, forward this to them right away. Job done. It might give someone a little lift.
I am really interested in self development, as you know, and love to read up on development tools and techniques all the time. When I can, I like to attend talks given by leaders in the field of personal development. I was at a seminar years ago, given by Hale Dwoskin (The Sedona Method), here in Ireland. There was one moment I remember very clearly, like a moment of revelation. You may know the Sedona method and the way of asking yourself the three questions:
“Could I let go of this feeling?”
“Would I let go of this feeling?”
and
“When?”
When I heard him say them first, I thought they were simplistic to the point of idiocy. How wrong I was! Hale started by asking us to bring to mind a way of feeling or reacting that we had, that was unpleasant and harmful to ourselves. Something we felt we had no control over e.g. feeling really angry about something that had happened in the past, or someone who pushed our buttons and made us feel mad every time we met them.
I thought of a particular piece of “baggage” I was carrying from my past. I felt powerless to dump it, it seemed to have come from my past and I was busy dragging it into my future too.
First question: “Could I let go of this feeling?” I asked myself. Well, of course I could. You don’t think I want this bad feeling, do you? I’d get rid of it at the drop of a hat.
Second question: “Would I let go of this feeling?” Was I willing to let this feeling go? Yes! Just show me how and it’ll be gone, I promise you. Yes, I would definitely let go of this if I could.
Third question: “When?” Interesting here. When I asked myself this question, the immediate response I got, deep in my mind, before I even formed the thought - was - “As soon as I have something else to put in its place.”
That really got me thinking. Somehow, even though I felt that I could and would get rid of this unwanted baggage, there was also a part of me so used to it that I wouldn’t give it up - unless I had something to replace it with.
I looked at this in various ways. One thing I could do would be to replace it immediately with a good feeling, or positive thought. Then, whenever I was going to feel the old baggage feeling, I could instead feel the good feeling. I thought about how I could motivate myself to do this any time I had an unwanted negative feeling. Then I wondered why I had to replace it at all. Why could I not just get rid of it, let it go?
And you know, the interesting thing then was that, it seemed that once I had acknowledged it happening at all, I didn’t make the old link any more. D’you know what I mean? It was like I couldn’t run that old programme anymore. I had been found out - by me! So, for that particular thought/feeling pattern, the link was broken.
I don’t always remember to use the Sedona method any time I have a negative pattern to break, but it has proved very useful and effective to me in the past.
Just thought I’d share that with you. Hope it helps you too.
When I first set myself the task of reading Richard Bandler’s book “Guide to Trance-formation†I allowed myself a week to read it. Big mistake. This book is full of information, comment, case history and exercises in personal development. I mean FULL!
So I re-timetabled, and I’ve been reading for weeks. Now - maybe it’s a mistake to try to be doing the exercises as I go, but I would feel only half-hearted in my review if I hadn’t made an attempt to do at least some of the exercises too.
The thrust of the book is the power of hypnosis, both of ourselves and others, to help create change for the better. Before you say you don’t like hypnosis, or you don’t trust it, or you once saw a show where the guy made people squawk like a chicken - don’t kid yourself - you’re being hypnotised all the time. Don’t look around to see who’s doing it. Look in the mirror.
We are hypnotising ourselves and others all the time, with our repeating patterns of words, actions and beliefs. In effect we “programme†ourselves. As Bandler says “We are the only machine that can program itself. We can set deliberately designed, automated programs that work by themselves to take care of boring, mundane tasks, thus freeing up our minds to do other, more interesting and creative, things.â€
“Guide to Trance-formation†is both a textbook and a workbook for self development. The first section of the book “Patterns of Process and Elicitation†deals with how to discover the way in which we (and others) map our world, i.e. how we represent the world to ourselves through our senses. This is how we have set up all the programmes we run in our lives, the ones that work and - just as importantly - the ones that don’t. Bandler‘s book is seasoned with references to Milton Erickson, Gregory Bateson, Fritz Perls, Virginia Satir - all renowned therapists with whom Bandler worked to discover how they achieved the successful results they did.
In Bandler’s opinion there are three steps to “making enduring change: (i) People must become so sick of having the problem that they decide they really want to change (ii) They have to somehow see their problem from a new perspective or in a new light (iii) New and appealing options must be found or created, and pursued.â€
The text will be equally intriguing for those who have studied Bandler previously and those who are new to him. It sparked my curiosity, so that I felt like finding out more and reading books Bandler referenced in “Guide to Trance-formationâ€. Even though I have no formal training in hypnosis, the exercises are simple and straightforward and I found myself wondering whether it was possible to be hypnotised just by reading it! I’m guessing Yes, since we are often influenced by what we read, so why not in this instance?
The exercises in this (first) sectionof the book are:
· Changing Feelings by Dissociation
· Identifying Your Sensory Preferences
· 2 exercises each on the Meta Model and the Milton Model
· Stealing a Skill
· The Visual Squash
· Foolproof Planning
· The NLP Spelling Strategy
· Getting Things Done
· 2 exercises in Submodality Change
· Swish Pattern
· Belief-Change Pattern
The second section of the book “Patterns of Induction†is about developing and improving the skills of hypnosis. It gives examples, stories and exercises on how to use language very specifically, how to use the voice - tone, depth, rhythm etc. , stories-within-stories and other skills to induce an altered state in the subject (yourself or someone else), a state in which you (or they) are more open to change. In Bandler’s words “Whenever you are communicating with other people, be aware that words are power, and the way in which you use words has to be as precise as the results you desire.â€
The exercises in the second section are very specific to inducing, deepening and maintaining trances or altered states.
· Using signs of developing trance
· Creating Inductions
· Toning Inflection
· Using Truisms to Induce Hypnosis
· Overlapping to Increase Skills
· Overlapping to Induce Trance
· Previous Trance Induction
· The Handshake Interrupt
· Stacking Realities
· Nested Loops
· Hot Button/Cool Button
· Advanced Synesthesia Change Pattern
In section three “Patterns of Utilization†covers the uses of the skills learned in the book, to create a better way of thinking and being in our lives, in short - to make us feel better. According to Bandler “you just need to know how to get good feelings to replace the old ones - or, even better, to drop them in to what happens just before you feel bad, so you start to go down a new pathway.†The chapters of this section deal with creating a better reaction now, to events that caused us trauma in the past. If we are still suffering from issues in our past, it is not because the problem keeps happening, but because we have formed a response to it that keeps us stuck in that negativity. Using the exercises in this section can help us change the way we feel about past traumas, overcome our phobias, stop blocking ourselves and start taking positive action.
Exercises in section three:
· How Much Pleasure Can You Stand?
· Fast Phobia Cure
· Putting a New Spin on the Past
· Overcoming Hesitation
· Going over Threshold
· Installing Positive Memories
Section four is a set of transcripts of client sessions with Richard Bandler. The text of the session is printed on the left hand side of the page and the analysis of the language patterns is printed on the right. I found it too confusing to try to read both together on my first reading of this format. So I read through the transcript of just the dialogue, as it would have flowed in speech. I found it was worth reading the script through first, before reading the analysis, partly to see what patterns I could identify myself and partly to let the script flow as it would have done in the live session.
Overall I found the book a very useful combination of textbook and workbook. It is something worth reading once for interest, a second time to try out any/all of the exercises and, after that, any time you want to reference Bandler’s work on trances, their analysis, uses and effects.
Richard Bandler - one of the co-creators of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) has written a book called “Get the Life you Want”. In it Bandler has distilled many of the NLP tools that he uses himself, to help people to make positive changes in their lives.
Let me say straight away that Richard Bandler is not a sweet talkin’ guy. He’s a straight talkin’ guy. And whereas many self-help books tell you that they’ll let you in on secrets, and hitherto unknown techniques you can use, I often find that they weren’t secrets. They were things we all knew already, but presented in a new way.
Not so with this book. The exercises throughout the book are ones that have been specifically designed using NLP. The book is packed with hands on exercises that anyone can do to help themselves. There is a glossary at the back to explain some of the NLP terms, but I would advise you not to get hung up on the terminology. Read through it all. If you don’t understand it all, use the glossary. But - do yourself a favour - pick this book up believing it’s going to be easy.
By page 6 Bandler has introduced us to the submodalities, which is the sensory language we use to understand our world and organise our thoughts and feelings. We intake everything we experience, through our five senses. Then we file it away and it becomes our store of experiences. This is the file we access when we want to understand something new. How does it look compared to what I already know? How does it sound compared to what I already know? How does it taste, smell and feel?Becoming aware of how we interpret our world and make sense of it is the key to the exercises in the book.If something makes me “feel” sad, where in my body do I feel that feeling? Which way is the feeling moving in my body? What is my experience of the feeling of “sadâ€. It might seem a little odd, at first, for people with no experience of NLP. Most of us are not used to thinking of where we feel a feeling, or which way it moves, or what colour it is.
Bandler then focuses on how we view or “mentally code†time (timelines). When we think of a past event, where do we picture it? Behind us?To the left?The now - where do we picture it? Underneath our feet?Overhead?The future? Discovering how we represent Time is also a prerequisite of some of the exercises. This too can be used to change our view of past events, and our difficulties with current or future events. Bandler says:
“We think about time in certain ways. The images of the past will be in a different place than the images of the future. … The key is in learning how you can begin to change the way you think and feel about your past, present and future.”
This is all dealt with right at the beginning of the book, and for a very good reason. He uses the power of our submodalities and our timelines, in the exercises, to effect change in our feelings and behaviours. From the very beginning, every chapter has exercises to do straight away. There is no need for equipment, or meditation, or anything other than commitment to engage fully with the exercises. They are done in a step-by-step, simple, fluid way. There are no difficult instructions, or language or psycho-babble, just straight talking guidelines.
This is very much a hands-on type of book. Don’t just read it. That will be interesting enough, but the power lies in doing the exercises. They are easy to understand, once you’ve gotten used to the idea of the submodalities.
Like a lot of “exercise”, it may feel odd at the beginning. It might seem strange to be doing an exercise in “How to feel Wonderful” or “Changing bad feelings”, but that’s exactly what these exercises are designed to help you do.
It’s well worth getting used to the idea of submodalities right from the start, because you will see them repeated constantly throughout the book. Every exercise focuses on how we see, hear, feel, taste and smell everything in our world. The premise of the book is that the only thing that WE have the power to change is OUR view, OUR belief, OUR behaviour. Trying to change the other person, or the situation we’re in, is like trying to hold back the tide, or trying to change the world to suit our beliefs. But where we do have power is in changing our own view of, and interaction with, the world.
And that is the genius of this book.
It’s like, by learning to understand our own intrinsic language, we are learning to understand all the languages of the universe.
The sections of the book (that are crammed with practical exercises) are:
Getting Over: Bad suggestions; Fears and phobias; Bad memories; Grief; Bad Relationships; & Bad Decisions.
Getting Through: Habits and Compulsions; Recovery; Resignation; Big Events; Tests; & Obligations.
Getting To: Fun; Love; Meet People; Important Duties; Exercise; Be More Organized; Make More Money; & Make Big Decisions.
All this is done using exercises focusing on changing our submodalities, our feelings about events, and our choice of reaction to the events life presents us with. Bandler uses case histories (presumably with name changes) and stories to help us understand the changes in a subtle way. Ever since we were born, we listen to stories - the stories of our parents, our teachers, our friends; the stories of people we admire and want to be like; the stories that help us identify our values; the stories that become our deepest held beliefs. So Bandler is very cleverly using stories to help us access those beliefs and make the changes that are most useful for our lives.
There is also a free CD with some editions of this book (I now own two copies of the book - because firstly I bought the hardback that had no CD, and then I bought the paperback with free CD!). This is to help you access the part of your mind (your subconscious) that is responsible for making the changes at the deepest level. Don’t worry - it’s not hypnotic or trippy! It’s just relaxing and enjoyable. I listened to it in the evening, when I relaxed before bedtime. I found it easy to listen to and it complements the exercises in the book, but you don’t need to use it for the book to be effective.
At the back of the book, there is a Glossary of Terms, a list of Recommended Resources and some information about The Society of Neuro Linguistic Programming.
I love Bandler’s own view of the book:
“The lessons that I have presented in this book are nothing more than lessons in how to manage life. They are lessons in how to manage your thoughts, your feelings and your time, so that life becomes more wonderful. This isn’t a philosophy. This isn’t an ideology. It’s not a religion. It’s just a set of tools to make things easier. The easier you can make it inside your head, the easier it will make things outside your head. It will not only be easier for you but for those around you. It will allow you to live more happily.”
And that’s what this book is - a DIY guide to making your life more happy. Sounds good to me!
I often read self-help books (no kidding?!) and many of them talk about compassion and forgiveness. There is an emphasis on the fact that, if we do not have forgiveness and compassion we cannot move forward with our lives. I agree. Much of the baggage we bring (let’s face it - drag) with us from our pasts, is an accumulation of unforgiven acts or words, and a lack of compassion or understanding of how things were then.
“If I had only said that, or hadn’t said what I did say”
“If only I had told them”
“If only I could have let go my hurt and moved on”
“If they only knew how hurt I felt”
my life would have been, or now would be so much better.
What is the advantage to us of holding onto the hurts of the past? Is it to avenge ourselves on someone? To hope that they will feel the hurt we did and somehow understand how much we suffered? In reality - after the event - who is left hurting? We are. Not the “perpetrator” of the “crime”.
And where does that leave us? What role is left for us to play?
That’s right - if we’re not the “perp” then we must be the victim!
I bet none of us wants to land that role! We can readily point to friends/acquaintances whom we see as being victims. We pride ourselves on not being that type at all. Never!
During my coaching last year I was, on one occasion, horrified to hear my own coach refer to certain of my behaviours as “victim”. I was angry with her and refused to believe her at all. Of course, very soon I had that sneaking little feeling that I was only angry with her because I feared it was true. It was like a slap in the face for me, but a well-intentioned one and eventually I was grateful for it.
I’m not suggesting that we need to trawl back over our past lives and try to reverse or forgive every act from the past, but I am all for starting from right now. If I can start from right now, to be compassionate and understanding of myself, then I am in a better place to leave hurts behind and move on with my life.
The first and most important forgiveness has to be for ourselves. If I spend the next period of my life not forgiving myself for the baggage I’ve carried from my earliest years, I’m just giving myself all the same grief all over again! Stop it! Stop it now!
Let’s try - at the end of each and every day - to take a moment to show ourselves forgiveness and compassion. You could devise a little mantra for yourself, like “I forgive myself for any hurts I may have caused myself or others during this day, and I forgive others who may have hurt me today”. Or something like that. After a week of not dragging little hurts and conflicts with us, how will we feel?
For this month’s Feelgood Task, I’m promoting Deepak Chopra’s Law of Giving. He says:
“The universe operates through dynamic exchange … giving and receiving are different aspects of the flow of energy in the universe. And in our willingness to give that which we seek, we keep the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives”
He suggests that the best way to put the Law of Giving into practice is to give something to everyone you come into contact with. It doesn’t have to be a physical gift. It can be a smile, a friendly “hello”. It could be a thoughtful compliment, a cheerful greeting. Gifts of care and appreciation are often worth more than money can buy.
How cheered, valued or rewarded do you feel when someone takes the time to notice your hard work, or to compliment your outfit? How pleasing is it to hear thanks and praise when you put a meal on the table for friends? The thanks, the praise and the smiles are the gifts we can give that bestow blessings on the giver and the receiver.
Try it for the month. I promise you will feel better for it. And it won’t interfere with cash-flow!
Do you ever look in the mirror? Not to fix your make-up, or to check how gorgeous you still are. But do you ever look yourself in the eye in order to know yourself better, the way you would look into the eyes of someone you were trying to know better?
It can be difficult for us to look at ourselves beyond the superficial, hair and make-up level. We are used to checking our appearance first of all when we look at ourselves. We rarely look long enough to make a connection.
When you meet someone new, if you want to get to know them better, what do you do? Look at the floor when they speak to you? Look up at the sky in the hope of finding a divine answer? No. You look into their eyes while they speak. You attend to what they are saying. You watch their eyes for the truth in what they are saying. You look for the confirmation of the words they are saying.
We all know when someone lies to us. As children we were used to the impossibility of telling a lie when someone was looking us straight in the eye. And how do we demonstrate early signs of falling in love with someone? We love to spend time looking deeply into their eyes.
So why not do it for ourselves? Probably for both the reasons above.
Firstly, if we look ourselves in the eyes and say “I love and accept you” - we will immediately know if we are telling the truth or not. If we are finding it difficult to say this to ourselves, why? What are the feelings that come up for you if you say “I love and accept you” to yourself in the mirror? Do you hear a critical parent or friend telling you you’re not worth it? Maybe you feel that you are not perfect enough to be loved? It could be that, in place of judgemental others, you have come to be your own harshest critic.
Secondly, looking deeply into our own eyes would mean taking on that critic, or judge or negative voice that we have inside us. It would mean learning to, or being willing to love and accept ourselves. That is often very difficult to do. If we have a (so-far) lifetime of being a certain way (e.g. judged or criticised) it can be scary to change that way of being. We’re used to it.
What would it be like to fall in love with yourself? How would it be to have that warm, deeply contented glow inside? And know that we are the reason for it ourselves? How wonderful would that be?
Thanks to one of my friends on Facebook for sending me this link. I love the idea that one person can take an issue and using just their own knowledge and influence, can bring it to the whole world. There’s hope for all of us!
Music is a great unifier, across cultures, tribes, beliefs, traditions and difficulties. These musicians weren’t even together physically for this piece, but unified in musical spirit. I love it. I hope you do too.
Music can speak straight to our souls, when our minds might be too logical and analytical, and our hearts might be too full of hatred or grief. The truth of the balance and harmony of music can leave us speechless. And so it should be. It unites us at a level that is pre-language, basic and essential. It is our universal language that can never be ignored.
