The start of a new year is always a good time for a start of something new.  For me, February is the start of my year, since my birthday is in that month.  So - even though the calendar year has already started, my year really is just coming to a close.  And I’m planning my new one.

 

Ever since my children were small, I’ve promised myself that - when they were independent - I would go to college.  When I was in my teens, and finished second-level school, college was not an option.  There were five children in my family, and with college fees being extreme at that time, we all just left school and went job hunting.  That is not a complaint, it was just a fact at that time, for me - and I’m sure - for many of you.

 

But now my children are relatively independent (my son is finishing in second-level school this summer) and it’s time for me to look at that long-held dream of going to college myself. 

 

Of course, now that the dream becomes a possibility, I get terrified.  What if they don’t want me?  What if they don’t accept me?  What if I’m not good enough?  What if they reject me?

 

Here they are, creeping out of the woodwork of my soul - all the commonest fears and anxieties of every person I’ve ever met.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of failure.  Fear of not being good enough (in someone else’s eyes).   Fear.  Fear.  Fear.

 

Since attending the Mature Students Open Evening last week, the idea/dream of college has been on my mind, to some degree, every minute of every day.  Yes, it has been unsettling.  It’s been especially weird because my son, who is finishing school in June, is also applying to college - but as a school leaver.

 

So, what are our perspectives?  Very different.  He is looking out with the naivety of youth.  He credits college with being the key to his future.  That may be so.  But it’s not the only one.  I’m looking at it as the possibility to immerse myself in a subject or subjects that I have loved for years, to be able to study them without apology, to discuss them with like-minded people, to argue my point, to learn, to improve.

 

I can’t help but be struck by the differences in our approaches.  As a school leaver, my son relies on the results of his State exams in June.  To me that seems relatively simple, since he has to sit the exams anyway.  I have to convince an admissions board that, having been out of the “normal” education system for many years, it will be worth their while to award me a place in their college. 

 

My son thinks I have it easy.  “All you have to do is write and tell them you want a place.  I have to do all these exams!”

 

My retort is “All you have to do is submit a form, relate your choices to the results of exams you’d be sitting anyway!  You don’t have to convince anyone.  You don’t have to persuade, cajole, plead or make a case for your offer of a place in college.  Easy, peasy, lemon-squeezy!!” (as he might have said years ago).

 

Then I start to think - “What if they turn me down?”.

 

I confided my fear to my daughter. 

 

“Apply again next year” she said.  The wisdom of youth!

 

Y’know something?  She’s right!

 

It is like a rich seam of gold that can be ignored and left undetected for years, hidden out of sight.  At any time, we can decide to uncover that treasure in all its glory and use it for our own good and that of our neighbours and the world.

 

I’m looking at what new levels of “treasure-hunting” I can get up to this year.  I am freshly accredited with NLP Life Coaching skills from the Irish Institute of NLP, building on my existing six years of coaching and NLP qualifications.  I have my website and blog up and running, newsletters going out regularly (sign up if you want to be included), have completed my first four Toastmasters speeches, got the job of Sgt-at-arms in my local Toastmasters club, have exhibited my art in various local venues with the Portmarnock Art Group, have finished my coaching with the Jack Canfield coaching organisation and have been co-founder of a Skype mastermind group (with members in Spain, Germany, Ireland, and others joining from Switzerland this year, we hope) arising from the Canfield coaching programme.

 

This all sounds like blowing my own trumpet and - y’know what? - it is!  Try it!  It’s good for the soul!  It took me most of my year with Canfield to learn to acknowledge my achievements, allow myself to take credit for my hard work and just rewards and to learn to plan for more successes in my future.

 

So I’m recommending that you start your year with a nice long list of all your achievements/successes in 2009.  What a great way to head into a new year.  And let me remind you that often the things that you take for granted are really successes.  For instance, what if you stay at home to care for an elderly or sick relative?  You might think - well, I don’t go out to work, so I’m not really achieving anything.  Wrong!!  You can write down as achievements: caring, nurturing, sharing, nursing, showing love, supporting, helping, organising.  You can write down as skills you have: patience, caring, love, willingness to help, interest in others, using your strength to ease others weakness, compassion and understanding.

 

Start now.  Write down lists and lists of achievements, successes.  Don’t try to categorise them or rate them.  They are all valid.  In my personal life I often find that at the end of a day, my greatest success might have been to show understanding and a listening ear to my teenage son, when I might really feel like screaming at him instead!  Any of you with kids will know that this is a REAL achievement!!

 

I’d love to hear how you get on with this.  You are my readers, my clients, my supporters.  Without you there would be no reason for me to write this.  It’s a two way street.  If you have something to say, tell me.

 

For now I leave you with my best wishes again, for your health, happiness and the uncovering of great “seams” of joy in your life for 2010.

 

Daria

 

The actual text of Alice’s conversation with the Cheshire cat, from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland is:

 

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” asked Alice
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“–so long as I get SOMEWHERE,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”

 

This brought to mind, for me, how I deal (or don’t deal) with goal setting.  We’ve talked about this before I know, but it’s an issue that comes up again and again for people.  I’ve likened it to heading off in the direction of your destination, but without a map and just hoping that eventually you’ll end up where you want to go.

 

Listen, I have a very poor sense of direction and when I set off somewhere -even WITH a map - I often end up somewhere else!  I dread to think where I’d be without one.

 

But when it comes to life goals, I’m in a dilemma.  If I’m trying to live “in the now” how can I have long term goals?  And - if I have goals, then  how can I be living in the now?

 

As a mother I’ve become used to reacting to everyone elses’ needs, all day, everyday.  That’s normal.  You have to be able to respond to whatever situation crops up, often involving picking someone up unexpectedly, cleaning cuts and worse, and searching the household for something that can be used (always at the last minute) for a class project that you only find out about on the morning it has to be submitted!

 

So how can I turn this around?  How can I set and achieve my own goals?

 

Well I’m proud to tell you I’ve started.  As always, I’ve had to get to grips with goal setting in a small way first, before I can replicate it elsewhere.  For me the key was firstly to acknowledge my previous successes.  I had difficulty with that, I felt awkward and unworthy praising myself for things I expected to succeed at anyway.  Perfectionist tendencies!  But I’ve been working on that for more than a year now and I’ve made real progress.

 

The most useful change in my pattern was to start acknowledge my past successes, and beginning to feel proud of myself.  Then I began to be able to look forward to setting new targets for myself, and praising myself for those successes.  I suppose, up until that, there was no psychological “reward” for my achievements, so there was no joy in setting up new goals and targets.

 

This is an ongoing process, so - if I think about Alice (above) - I can see how I was always going somewhere, but without any direction there was a lot of energy spent getting places I wasn’t sure I wanted to go!