Maybe I should say “give yourself a GOOD talking to”! What’s your inner voice saying to you most of the time? Is it saying: “I’m a truly wonderful human being” or “I am worthwhile” or “I’m always good enough”? I’m guessing that, most of the time, it’s more likely to be “Oh no, I failed again” or “Loser” or “What can I do/say/think in order to be accepted and loved?”
I’m a life coach, not a psychologist, so I can’t tell you why we do it, but as a member of the human race I can vouch for the fact that we definitely do it. Here in Ireland, maybe we even have an extreme habit of doing this. Our historically Catholic ethos does not promote our ability to be proud of ourselves, congratulate ourselves or speak confidently of our own achievements.
So with that sort of background and schooling, I’m guessing that most of you know the kind of self-talk that I’m getting at here. Fair enough. But what can we do about it? In my life coaching business, I regularly come across people who are very keen on positive thinking, affirmations, visualisations etc. Great. Great for about the 20 minutes that you are doing your affirmations/visualisations etc. What about the other 23hrs 40mins of the day? Hmmmm?
Here’s where I’ve got to so far. I started out doing yoga when I was about twenty. I thought it would change my life. I enjoyed doing it. I loved meeting other people who were interested in yoga. But it didn’t change my life.
Years later I trained in massage and aromatherapy. I thought “This is it! This will change my life.” I loved/love being a massage/aroma therapist. It’s very fulfilling. It’s part of who I am. Helping people is what I enjoy. It didn’t change my life.
I studied Life Coaching. Now - if ever there was something that would change my life - this would be it! I trained and practise now as a life coach, helping clients, blogging and writing an e-newsletter. I LOVE it. I get great feedback from readers and clients. It didn’t change my life.
When I started learning/studying NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) I began to see what was going on in my life. I read books by Richard Bandler, John Grinder, Michael Neill, Paul McKenna, Owen Fitzpatrick and Brian Colbert, among others and these writers helped me to make sense of my life so far. Things that fall into the “DO” category, do not change my life. They are actions I take in my life. I can use them to help me make positive changes. But they are not the changes, they are just the tools.
Things that fall into the “BEING” category, are the ones that change everything. When the things that I DO are in tune with the person that I AM, then my life starts to flow in a way that no amount of training can achieve. I am very proud of all that I have studied and achieved (although even being so proud of myself took years and lots of positive self-talk), but most of all I am proud of the person that I am. That is who I am 24hrs of the day. So, while I may spend time visualising, time meditating, time doing positive affirmations, the most useful thing I can do is to tell myself, 24/7 that I am loved, that I am worthwhile and that I am always good enough, just as I am.
Try telling yourself that, 24 hours a day for even a week, and see how you feel. You’ll sleep better, feel more relaxed and more positive about each new day.
If I could tell you just one thing that has made a big difference to me in the past year, what would that be? It would be to bring gratitude and appreciation into your life. I don’t mean going out, stopping people in the street and thanking them for being there. Start with yourself.
For the past year I’ve been noting down, at bedtime, the things I’m grateful for throughout my day. This practice sprang from my original routine of noting down achievements from the day. I found that, when I focused on my achievements (no matter how small or seemingly insignificant) it gave my final review of the day a very positive feel to it. Instead of going to bed with an unfinished To Do list in my head, containing all the things I had failed to do during the day, I would go over what I had achieved. Without even trying, or noticing, I discovered that my sleep was more calm and untroubled and I would wake up feeling that I had achieved so much the previous day that it would be easy to tackle lots of new tasks.
When i found that this routine had become second nature, I started to add in the practice of writing down five or six things I was grateful for during the day. Again - it needs to be simple and sincere. Sometimes I just write down “I am thankful for the sunshine today“, or “I am thankful to be part of a loving family”. It doesn’t have to be “things” to be thankful for, just whatever has helped make the day a good one.
Now when I settle down at night, no matter how many things might have gone wrong during the day, or how many things I could find to complain about or be regretful over, I feel more inclined to let go of the things that have upset me. At the very least I can mentally list the good and the bad and cancel out any bad events in favour of a positive event.
Start doing this right now, and I guarantee that, by the end of the month, you’ll feel a lot brighter getting up in the morning, and sleep a lot more soundly at night. Good luck!
While I was looking in the shops over the Christmas, I found a book called “No More Clutter” by Sue Kay. I had heard the author interviewed on the radio, and was interested in her views on decluttering. I like the fact that she is a psychologist, so she understands the reasons behind why we clutter. That helps me more than someone just setting out a bunch of rules I have to follow to clear out my stuff. I have started reading it, and I have started decluttering. They go hand in hand. At the moment it has a real feelgood feel to it, and that has to be a good thing.
I suppose it wouldn’t have appealed to me as a book to read if I wasn’t in that place mentally, where I want to clear out old “stuff”. I mean mental stuff as well as the daily clutter of my home and life! Readers who are interested in the life-coaching elements of this blog can probably relate to this too. Possibly mental clutter is the reason behind the physical clutter, but - unlike Sue - I am not a psychologist, so I don’t know for sure.
One of the most useful exercises in the book is the “Smile Test”. I hope she will forgive me for reproducing, verbatim, her piece on the Smile Test:
“Your pink shoes pass the Smile Test - you just have to smile because you feel so good in them! A photo of you drinking champagne on your 30th birthday reminds you of a great evening friends. The Smile Test tells you when something is real treasure. Even practical things like wine glasses and mugs should be a pleasure to use and pass the Smile Test.
Stay tuned in to your reactions for warning signs that you feel unhappy or negative about an item. People often start sighing when they hold up something they feel ambivalent about. Or they give long, complicated explanations of why they should keep something, even though they never use it and do not like it.
Paula was keeping old love letters in her wardrobe from a man who had brought a lot of misery into her life. She could not bear even to handle them, let alone re-read them. So she asked me to shred them. Letting go meant she was literally no longer giving him space in her home or her heart.
You deserve to surround yourself with beloved possessions and warm associations from your past. Junk bad memories like rejection letters from interviews and you will let go of a lot of negativity in your life.”
Sue Kay makes a very good point. When we’re kids, “things” have no emotional hold on us whatsoever. If we like something (whether it makes sense or not) we hang onto it for dear life. If we don’t like it, we quickly lose it, or forget to bring it home, or give it away. We don’t agonize over it. We don’t say “I’d better keep it because auntie so-and-so gave it to me and she’d be really upset if she knew I gave it away”. Our decision making was simple.
I’m not suggesting you broadcast to auntie so-and-so if you’re giving the lamp she gave you for Christmas to the charity shop at the very beginning of January. But you are entitled to make your own decisions about your own life and your own possessions. That’s what I’m trying to do, starting this month. I also accept that, for it to work, it has to be ongoing and not just for the holidays. Watch this space …
Well, I’ve always like the idea of preparing for Christmas by focusing not on the commercialism, but on the real magic of Christmas. There’s a special feeling around Christmas that is nothing to do with giving and receiving gifts. It’s about giving and receiving of ourselves and our time and our love. It has a real feel-good effect and that, in turn, passes on to others.
Every year I prepare an Advent calendar at home. I have a cloth calendar, with one little gift bag for each day from the 1st to the 24th December. Along with a little treat of a few sweets or a tiny gift, I put a little piece of paper with a “Thought for the day” on it. It’s as simple as saying hello to people you meet on the street, or hugging someone you love, or remembering to tell someone you love them.
I started doing it when my children were small and, even though they are now grown, they still love the thrill of a little daily reminder that Christmas is coming (and the sweets of course!).
I’m not crazy enough to think that it’s all fun and games. Many people have great difficulty getting through the season. Even more reason to start preparing beforehand. Every day, from now till Christmas, do some small thing to bring your focus to the positive. It might be as simple as taking time to smile and thank people sincerely for any little interaction today e.g. at the supermarket - really thank the assistant, smile and look them in the eye as you say thanks. It’ll make a big difference to them and to you. And if you’re having a tough day - even more reason to bring some light and sunshine into it!
The more people who buy into this, the more relaxed and enjoyable your preparation for Christmas will be. If you’re stuck for ideas any day - follow my Twitter messages. I’ll be tweeting throughout Advent and suggesting a focus for the day. There will be nothing that costs money, just a little of your time and effort. You’ll find it so worthwhile to engage with Christmas in a more positive, stress-free way.
You could even write it out for yourself and pin it up on your noticeboars, or stick it on the refrigerator door, or slip it in your purse where you’ll see it every time you open it. You know yourself how to make the most of it. Let me know how it works for you.
I came across this video clip recently on YouTube, and I love it. I don’t know who made it or promotes it, but - as always here at LifePotential - I’m happy to pass on anything I feel will help us develop ourselves to the fullest. Our behaviour is often influenced by little things we see or hear. See what you think of this.
This is really about going the extra mile, doing that bit more, providing that extra special service. I read an article in the Irish Times last week about a woman who is opening an old fashioned Tea Shop in Co. Cork. Her research included a trip to afternoon tea at the Ritz in London. She said it cost her £42 per person, but that it was worth every penny of it. Now - do the Ritz serve better tea than anywhere else? I doubt it. Do they make better cakes/scones than a home-baker from Cork? Most unlikely. So why did she feel it was worth it?
She said that the welcome, the service (they had a waiter dedicated to their table), the crisp white linen cloths & napkins, the smiles, the “nothing-is-too-much-trouble” attitude made it worthwhile. She decided that that atmosphere was what she wanted to replicate in her tea shop. She bought proper china cups (from charity shops) rather than mugs. Her daughter decorates each cupcake individually by hand. She makes the tea in old fashioned china pots with knitted tea-cosy, on to keep it warm. All in all, she is bringing the care and attention to detail of her Ritz experience, to her own tea shop.
I found it a warming read, just to see someone going that extra mile to provide a luxury service to her customers. And she’s not getting 42 pounds a go for it. But I hope that she is getting loyal and happy customers. People know what they like: - they like to be welcomed, treated well, fed good food in good company and to leave with a smile on their face.
There are always areas in our daily lives where we have the chance to do a little bit extra for someone, to give a little more, to try a little harder, to be more pleasant in an exchange (smiling costs nothing as we’ve proven before!), to be more welcoming, to offer to help, to spend 5 minutes with someone who needs company. There are as many opportunities as there are moments in the day. Try some for yourself. Tweet me how you get on. You can start right now. If you’ve ever thought how someone you know would like to read these blogs or tweets, forward this to them right away. Job done. It might give someone a little lift.
Laugh out loud! Make a note of five things that make you laugh out loud. For me that would include: Laurel & Hardy movies; Tom & Jerry cartoons; Bob Newhart video clips (see below) and comedian Dara O’Briain. Be sure to laugh heartily for a good 10-15 minutes. You should be breathless from laughing.
List at least 10 things you have to be grateful for right now, today, this minute. I always start with thanks for my family and friends, my health, good weather (which cheers me up) etc. As you write them, focus your thoughts on that person or thing that you are so grateful for, it really brightens your day.
Finally, pass on your good feeling to someone else. If you’re in the office, smile at colleagues and give them a word of appreciation, affirmation or positive feedback. If you’re at home, arrange to have a chat with someone who always makes you feel good (in person, by phone, online, wherever). Do your best to ensure that, by the end of your interaction, you are both feeling better for it.
That’s it. You probably have lots of other ways to improve your mood, but the important thing is to take immediate action. Don’t let the mood keep sinking. Grab it by the lapels and bring it up into the sunshine!
By the way, if anyone has the Bob Newhart Driving Instructor video/sound clip, I’d love a copy. It cracks me up!
I came across this clip today, and I really like it. I would put it in under my “Feelgood Tasks” because I think it relates to a whole change of behaviour, which will bring long term benefits to your self and others.
Let me know what you think. I haven’t heard of this group before, so I’m promoting them. I just like the clip. I like what it says. It’s positive, affirming, motivational and it gets us out of ourselves and our own little world and gets us to focus on how we interact with others. Hopefully we can make that interaction a positive one.
Is it still self development if no one knows? Sounds a bit Zen-like, doesn’t it? Like - “If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?” If you’re working on your self development without telling anyone - will they notice?
Thing is - I think - once you are practising self-development sincerely, it won’t be possible for no one to know! If you are developing, of course people are going to know. On yesterdays teleseminar with Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup books, Success Principles etc.) his “homework” to us for the coming month is to do one simple thing, just choose one, and so it every day for the next 30 days, and see what the result.
Obviously he means do something good and positive for yourself and/or others. For instance he has committed to getting a full 8 hours sleep every night, come what may, for the 30 days. Other suggestions might be:
Show gratitude (verbally, e-mail, SMS etc.) to 10 people every day for 30 days
Phone someone you’ve lost touch with, or have been meaning to phone (just one person a day) for 30 days
Tell someone you love - that you love them. This is an obvious and easy one, but I know that lots of us assume that people know we love them. TELL them so, for 30 days
Congratulate/appreciate yourself in some way. Sometimes just pausing and telling ourselves we are worthwhile is enough. Treat yourself to a short walk in the fresh air, a chat with a friend, a 5-minute lie on in bed. Just pick something that means something to you. It doesn’t have to cost anything. It doesn’t have to take long.
Now - back to my original theme. Do you think that, if you were to implement any one of these for 30 days, there would be no noticeable difference in you? Would people notice a change in your behaviour? Might you appear more relaxed if you had had a month of appreciating yourself, your friends, your work colleagues, getting enough rest, any of these things?
I’m betting that everyone close to you, and probably people who didn’t even know you that well, would see a change in your attitude. Because that’s where it would show. You can’t remain lacking in confidence if you are telling yourself every day that you’re worthwhile, and showing that appreciation of yourself in some way. You’ll be seen as the chirpiest person in the office if you’re constantly thanking colleagues when appropriate. And just how much will relationships with all your loved ones improve, if you tell them that you love them, everyday for the next 30 days.
I’m not claiming credit for Jack Canfield’s suggestion, but I do think that it perfectly illustrates what I’ve been getting at here today. I believe that when you embark on any element of self-development, no matter how small an act it might be, the ripple effect can be very powerful.
Pick one thing - just one thing - that you really admire about someone. Have you got someone in mind? I have. I love the peace and serenity of the Dalai Lama’s smile. No matter what happens in his life (and let’s face it - he’s had a lot!) he always manages a serene smile. I admire that.
When you’ve decided on one trait you admire, try copying it for yourself for the next few weeks. You may love someone else’s ability to be on time for appointments, a friend’s dedication to keeping in touch, you might love when someone sends you a letter or card. Now you do it. See how it feels to be doing the thing you admire. Remember, then YOU deserve admiration too!
So - anyone who knows me - you can look out for my peaceful, serene smile over the next few weeks! Have fun out there.
For this month’s Feelgood Task, I’m promoting Deepak Chopra’s Law of Giving. He says:
“The universe operates through dynamic exchange … giving and receiving are different aspects of the flow of energy in the universe. And in our willingness to give that which we seek, we keep the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives”
He suggests that the best way to put the Law of Giving into practice is to give something to everyone you come into contact with. It doesn’t have to be a physical gift. It can be a smile, a friendly “hello”. It could be a thoughtful compliment, a cheerful greeting. Gifts of care and appreciation are often worth more than money can buy.
How cheered, valued or rewarded do you feel when someone takes the time to notice your hard work, or to compliment your outfit? How pleasing is it to hear thanks and praise when you put a meal on the table for friends? The thanks, the praise and the smiles are the gifts we can give that bestow blessings on the giver and the receiver.
Try it for the month. I promise you will feel better for it. And it won’t interfere with cash-flow!
