The start of a new year is always a good time for a start of something new. For me, February is the start of my year, since my birthday is in that month. So - even though the calendar year has already started, my year really is just coming to a close. And I’m planning my new one.
Ever since my children were small, I’ve promised myself that - when they were independent - I would go to college. When I was in my teens, and finished second-level school, college was not an option. There were five children in my family, and with college fees being extreme at that time, we all just left school and went job hunting. That is not a complaint, it was just a fact at that time, for me - and I’m sure - for many of you.
But now my children are relatively independent (my son is finishing in second-level school this summer) and it’s time for me to look at that long-held dream of going to college myself.
Of course, now that the dream becomes a possibility, I get terrified. What if they don’t want me? What if they don’t accept me? What if I’m not good enough? What if they reject me?
Here they are, creeping out of the woodwork of my soul - all the commonest fears and anxieties of every person I’ve ever met. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough (in someone else’s eyes). Fear. Fear. Fear.
Since attending the Mature Students Open Evening last week, the idea/dream of college has been on my mind, to some degree, every minute of every day. Yes, it has been unsettling. It’s been especially weird because my son, who is finishing school in June, is also applying to college - but as a school leaver.
So, what are our perspectives? Very different. He is looking out with the naivety of youth. He credits college with being the key to his future. That may be so. But it’s not the only one. I’m looking at it as the possibility to immerse myself in a subject or subjects that I have loved for years, to be able to study them without apology, to discuss them with like-minded people, to argue my point, to learn, to improve.
I can’t help but be struck by the differences in our approaches. As a school leaver, my son relies on the results of his State exams in June. To me that seems relatively simple, since he has to sit the exams anyway. I have to convince an admissions board that, having been out of the “normal” education system for many years, it will be worth their while to award me a place in their college.
My son thinks I have it easy. “All you have to do is write and tell them you want a place. I have to do all these exams!”
My retort is “All you have to do is submit a form, relate your choices to the results of exams you’d be sitting anyway! You don’t have to convince anyone. You don’t have to persuade, cajole, plead or make a case for your offer of a place in college. Easy, peasy, lemon-squeezy!!” (as he might have said years ago).
Then I start to think - “What if they turn me down?”.
I confided my fear to my daughter.
“Apply again next year” she said. The wisdom of youth!
While I was looking in the shops over the Christmas, I found a book called “No More Clutter” by Sue Kay. I had heard the author interviewed on the radio, and was interested in her views on decluttering. I like the fact that she is a psychologist, so she understands the reasons behind why we clutter. That helps me more than someone just setting out a bunch of rules I have to follow to clear out my stuff. I have started reading it, and I have started decluttering. They go hand in hand. At the moment it has a real feelgood feel to it, and that has to be a good thing.
I suppose it wouldn’t have appealed to me as a book to read if I wasn’t in that place mentally, where I want to clear out old “stuff”. I mean mental stuff as well as the daily clutter of my home and life! Readers who are interested in the life-coaching elements of this blog can probably relate to this too. Possibly mental clutter is the reason behind the physical clutter, but - unlike Sue - I am not a psychologist, so I don’t know for sure.
One of the most useful exercises in the book is the “Smile Test”. I hope she will forgive me for reproducing, verbatim, her piece on the Smile Test:
“Your pink shoes pass the Smile Test - you just have to smile because you feel so good in them! A photo of you drinking champagne on your 30th birthday reminds you of a great evening friends. The Smile Test tells you when something is real treasure. Even practical things like wine glasses and mugs should be a pleasure to use and pass the Smile Test.
Stay tuned in to your reactions for warning signs that you feel unhappy or negative about an item. People often start sighing when they hold up something they feel ambivalent about. Or they give long, complicated explanations of why they should keep something, even though they never use it and do not like it.
Paula was keeping old love letters in her wardrobe from a man who had brought a lot of misery into her life. She could not bear even to handle them, let alone re-read them. So she asked me to shred them. Letting go meant she was literally no longer giving him space in her home or her heart.
You deserve to surround yourself with beloved possessions and warm associations from your past. Junk bad memories like rejection letters from interviews and you will let go of a lot of negativity in your life.”
Sue Kay makes a very good point. When we’re kids, “things” have no emotional hold on us whatsoever. If we like something (whether it makes sense or not) we hang onto it for dear life. If we don’t like it, we quickly lose it, or forget to bring it home, or give it away. We don’t agonize over it. We don’t say “I’d better keep it because auntie so-and-so gave it to me and she’d be really upset if she knew I gave it away”. Our decision making was simple.
I’m not suggesting you broadcast to auntie so-and-so if you’re giving the lamp she gave you for Christmas to the charity shop at the very beginning of January. But you are entitled to make your own decisions about your own life and your own possessions. That’s what I’m trying to do, starting this month. I also accept that, for it to work, it has to be ongoing and not just for the holidays. Watch this space …
Laugh out loud! Make a note of five things that make you laugh out loud. For me that would include: Laurel & Hardy movies; Tom & Jerry cartoons; Bob Newhart video clips (see below) and comedian Dara O’Briain. Be sure to laugh heartily for a good 10-15 minutes. You should be breathless from laughing.
List at least 10 things you have to be grateful for right now, today, this minute. I always start with thanks for my family and friends, my health, good weather (which cheers me up) etc. As you write them, focus your thoughts on that person or thing that you are so grateful for, it really brightens your day.
Finally, pass on your good feeling to someone else. If you’re in the office, smile at colleagues and give them a word of appreciation, affirmation or positive feedback. If you’re at home, arrange to have a chat with someone who always makes you feel good (in person, by phone, online, wherever). Do your best to ensure that, by the end of your interaction, you are both feeling better for it.
That’s it. You probably have lots of other ways to improve your mood, but the important thing is to take immediate action. Don’t let the mood keep sinking. Grab it by the lapels and bring it up into the sunshine!
By the way, if anyone has the Bob Newhart Driving Instructor video/sound clip, I’d love a copy. It cracks me up!
I came across this clip today, and I really like it. I would put it in under my “Feelgood Tasks” because I think it relates to a whole change of behaviour, which will bring long term benefits to your self and others.
Let me know what you think. I haven’t heard of this group before, so I’m promoting them. I just like the clip. I like what it says. It’s positive, affirming, motivational and it gets us out of ourselves and our own little world and gets us to focus on how we interact with others. Hopefully we can make that interaction a positive one.
I am really interested in self development, as you know, and love to read up on development tools and techniques all the time. When I can, I like to attend talks given by leaders in the field of personal development. I was at a seminar years ago, given by Hale Dwoskin (The Sedona Method), here in Ireland. There was one moment I remember very clearly, like a moment of revelation. You may know the Sedona method and the way of asking yourself the three questions:
“Could I let go of this feeling?”
“Would I let go of this feeling?”
and
“When?”
When I heard him say them first, I thought they were simplistic to the point of idiocy. How wrong I was! Hale started by asking us to bring to mind a way of feeling or reacting that we had, that was unpleasant and harmful to ourselves. Something we felt we had no control over e.g. feeling really angry about something that had happened in the past, or someone who pushed our buttons and made us feel mad every time we met them.
I thought of a particular piece of “baggage” I was carrying from my past. I felt powerless to dump it, it seemed to have come from my past and I was busy dragging it into my future too.
First question: “Could I let go of this feeling?” I asked myself. Well, of course I could. You don’t think I want this bad feeling, do you? I’d get rid of it at the drop of a hat.
Second question: “Would I let go of this feeling?” Was I willing to let this feeling go? Yes! Just show me how and it’ll be gone, I promise you. Yes, I would definitely let go of this if I could.
Third question: “When?” Interesting here. When I asked myself this question, the immediate response I got, deep in my mind, before I even formed the thought - was - “As soon as I have something else to put in its place.”
That really got me thinking. Somehow, even though I felt that I could and would get rid of this unwanted baggage, there was also a part of me so used to it that I wouldn’t give it up - unless I had something to replace it with.
I looked at this in various ways. One thing I could do would be to replace it immediately with a good feeling, or positive thought. Then, whenever I was going to feel the old baggage feeling, I could instead feel the good feeling. I thought about how I could motivate myself to do this any time I had an unwanted negative feeling. Then I wondered why I had to replace it at all. Why could I not just get rid of it, let it go?
And you know, the interesting thing then was that, it seemed that once I had acknowledged it happening at all, I didn’t make the old link any more. D’you know what I mean? It was like I couldn’t run that old programme anymore. I had been found out - by me! So, for that particular thought/feeling pattern, the link was broken.
I don’t always remember to use the Sedona method any time I have a negative pattern to break, but it has proved very useful and effective to me in the past.
Just thought I’d share that with you. Hope it helps you too.
I’m always looking for the easiest way to do anything. If you tell me there is a long-drawn out process or an easy three step approach to doing something, or achieving a particular result - which one appeals to me? That’s right! I’m always going to take the 3-step approach! I don’t think I’m alone in this? I like to think it’s human nature. Perhaps it’s only my nature!
I know there are many of you that feel the same. This is for you. It’s not rocket-science. It’s not limited to those of us involved in life coaching. It’s for everyone. There is nothing difficult or complicated about these steps. But the simplicity is in the doing!
Step 1: Be very clear on what, exactly, you want to achieve. That sounds like the simplest thing - and it is - but it’s the one that a lot of us overlook in our drive and enthusiasm to get the thing done, or the goal achieved. You need to be as specific as you can possibly be about your goal. For example, you might say “I want to lose weight“. That’s a goal - yes it is. But if you say “I’m going to weigh xxx lbs by 30th November 2009“, then you are setting up the expectation in your own mind and that will be what you’re subconscious will work away on for the weeks in between. It doesn’t mean that all you have to do is set the goal and do no work! It just means that the closer the focus, the easier it is to reach. Think of it like getting directions to somewhere. You stop on the road and ask someone “How do I get to ...?” Now, is it more useful for them to say “It’s about 10 miles away in that direction” or to say “Follow the road here for 8 miles, take a left at the bus station, continue for about 2 miles, past the garage, then it’s the second turn on the right - and there you are“??? I know which directions I’d find more useful!
Step 2: Take action. Another obvious one. But I can tell you from my own experience that it’s often a lot easier to do all the planning and research than it is to take the action. But very little will happen without the action. It would be like (as in step 1) setting the goal for yourself, but never taking any action about it. If you think, or even plan, to - for example - lose weight, nothing is going to happen if you sit around, eating biscuits and drinking lattes while you PLAN to achieve the weight loss. It won’t happen till you DO SOMETHING about it.
Step 3: Acknowledge your success. Congratulate yourself every little step of the way. Give yourself all the praise and validation you deserve for every little part of your goal that you achieve. Don’t wait until you reach the big, final goal. It’s too easy to give up before that if you feel disheartened. But if you keep feeling good about all the little triumphs along the way, it will keep you motivated to finish what you started.
That’s it! Three simple steps to achieving your goals. Give it a go. You’ve got nothing to lose (except a few lbs!!).
If you’re anything like me, you have floor to ceiling bookcases filled with self development books, CDs and DVDs. You’re actively seeking out more information to help you with your growth and self development. Are you ever satisfied? Unlikely.
Choose your favourite self help, life coaching or self development book. You’ve probably read it many times and it’s looking well-thumbed by now.
Decide what in that book was the most useful thing you’ve ever read. Think about it. There will have been a page you were reading that just made perfect sense to you, and you probably thought - “That’s for me. I can do that. That will transform my life - if I can do it”.
Read it again. I know you’re raising your eyes to the skies and thinking - “I don’t really need to read it again. That might apply to everyone else, but not me. I know Jack Canfield, Richard Bandler, Hale Dwoskin, Owen Fitzpatrick etc. (insert your own favourite guru here!) by heart.” I’m telling you - read it again NOW!
Ask yourself what is it that appeals to you about that particular passage/page/chapter? What pictures does it bring to mind? Are you reading about Paul McKenna making you rich? Or Ekhart Tolle helping you to live “in the now”? Do you see yourself driving your dream car home to that magnificent home with the seven bathrooms? Or is it that you can feel the sea breeze blowing on your face as you stand in the prow of your beautiful yacht as you sail the Caribbean?
Envision yourself living as the book suggests. Mentally create as lifelike a picture as you can. It’s important to make the image of your dreams into the image of your reality by creating as clear a vision as you can. Give it all the details - sights, sounds, smells - the whole lot. The more you can see what you will see, hear what you will hear, feel what it will feel like, the better your mindset will be for beginning.
And finally, which is the heart of the matter, Take Action! Based on your life-like and life-size vision of your future, begin to work on whichever self development programme you have chosen. At every step of the way, stop and reinforce that vision you have created in your mind and use it to strengthen your determination and inspiration to complete the work you set yourself.
A time of great change. But it could also be an opportunity for self development.
Schools are back. Children are preparing for the academic year ahead. Colleges are cranking up in preparation for the new college semester. Everything is in a state of change.
It’s a time of schedules, timetables, books, uniforms and new shoes. It is often a time of anxiety. It can be difficult to adjust to the changes in our families that come about when a young child starts school, or an older child starts college. It is not only a time of great change for them, but it has an impact on every member of the household.
However, despite the anxiety and upheaval that major change may bring, we can choose to see it as a chance to develop and educate ourselves in new areas too.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always found myself quite divided about the arrival of term-time. On the one hand I’m delighted to have a bit of structure and routine returned to my life. On the other hand, I love the lie-ons during the summer. I love the openness and possibilities of the days. But by the time September comes, I’m ready to shelve all that for another year!
I start looking through the lists of courses available in my locality. What will I do this year? How will I further develop myself? It’s a time for me, a time for me to focus on my own personal development.
Of course, when I say personal development, I don’t mean that the course I choose has to be based on, or called, self development. No matter what the subject matter of the course it will give me a chance to develop in some area of my life. Over the years I have done classes in pottery, drama, yoga, creative writing, french, flower arranging, singing, art and probably others I’ve forgotten already!
They have stretched me in directions I would not have expected. They have challenged me to develop my potential in creative areas I wouldn’t have approached before. Taking up new activities has, over the years, given me a chance to meet up with other like minded people and develop new friendships and acquaintances. And - like children starting in school - I too have felt anxious at the beginning. I have tried to talk myself out of joining. I’ve tried to find supportive friends to come along with me.
And in the end I am always glad that I joined up. It’s like guerilla self-development! You start out learning flower arranging and wake up to discover that you’ve learned how to organise your time (to attend the class); control a budget (have you seen the price of fresh flowers!); meet & engage with new people; develop your creativity; enhance your home decor and probably even more besides.
So - although it doesn’t say all that on the brochure for classes in your neighbourhood - why not give it a try this September. You never know where it will take you!
Ah! What it is to get a bit of attention! Apparently my blog has been nominated for the Best WordPress Design 2009 award. It’s not something I ever heard of before, so I’ve no idea how good it might be - but hey - you marketers out there know that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, right?
… is that you get away from everything that is usual and “normal” in your life. It’s the most fantastic chance we have for self development. It gives us the opportunity to change our outlook on things in our lives.
I always find when I come from holidays (in fact even before I get home I find) I’m planning new things. I might think of a new layout for the furniture in my office or home. I might develop a new way to approach a certain client, or situation. I might decide to repaint the living room to get a whole new perspective on things. And that’s really what holidays do for me - in terms of my personal growth, they give me a change of perspective.
This year, when we came home from holidays, my husband said it had been like having “time off from the recession”. Because the recession is one thing - and it’s effects are very real. But the media “moan-fest” that goes on about it is entirely another thing. It’s like a big bandwagon all of its own. It’s a huge “ain’t it awful” circus that feeds itself on people’s misery. It’s a way of looking at it.
So time off from that was a real treat. And y’know what? The world still turned while we were away; the economists still wrung their hands; the unemployed were still unemployed; those in difficulty were still in difficulty - but the ones reporting it seemed to be having the time of their lives picking over the troubles of everyone else. That’s just their way of looking at it.
I’m very thankful that I had the opportunity to get away from it all for a few weeks. The situation didn’t change, but my view of it did. And that’s the point. When we look at some event in our lives that is causing us difficulty, it can be hard to separate the event from our reaction to it. What’s really happening is that a certain event takes place - then - we have a reaction to it. If we get to take a step back, a pause, a holiday - and choose a different reaction, then we have power over the outcome.
For example, if someone loses their job, that is a very real event. It has effects and consequences. But whether you deal with it as (i) a disaster from which you will never recover, or (ii) an unexpected event which may force you to look at things in a new way - is up to you. One will give you a miserable, self-defeating attitude, the other will give you a chance for personal development (albeit not looked for), to look at where your strengths lie and present yourself in a new way. Losing your job is the fact. How you deal with it is where your power lies.
It brings me back to the benefit of holidays. It gives us that break, that pause, in which to look at things in a new way. Happy holidays!
