… is that you get away from everything that is usual and “normal” in your life. It’s the most fantastic chance we have for self development. It gives us the opportunity to change our outlook on things in our lives.
I always find when I come from holidays (in fact even before I get home I find) I’m planning new things. I might think of a new layout for the furniture in my office or home. I might develop a new way to approach a certain client, or situation. I might decide to repaint the living room to get a whole new perspective on things. And that’s really what holidays do for me - in terms of my personal growth, they give me a change of perspective.
This year, when we came home from holidays, my husband said it had been like having “time off from the recession”. Because the recession is one thing - and it’s effects are very real. But the media “moan-fest” that goes on about it is entirely another thing. It’s like a big bandwagon all of its own. It’s a huge “ain’t it awful” circus that feeds itself on people’s misery. It’s a way of looking at it.
So time off from that was a real treat. And y’know what? The world still turned while we were away; the economists still wrung their hands; the unemployed were still unemployed; those in difficulty were still in difficulty - but the ones reporting it seemed to be having the time of their lives picking over the troubles of everyone else. That’s just their way of looking at it.
I’m very thankful that I had the opportunity to get away from it all for a few weeks. The situation didn’t change, but my view of it did. And that’s the point. When we look at some event in our lives that is causing us difficulty, it can be hard to separate the event from our reaction to it. What’s really happening is that a certain event takes place - then - we have a reaction to it. If we get to take a step back, a pause, a holiday - and choose a different reaction, then we have power over the outcome.
For example, if someone loses their job, that is a very real event. It has effects and consequences. But whether you deal with it as (i) a disaster from which you will never recover, or (ii) an unexpected event which may force you to look at things in a new way - is up to you. One will give you a miserable, self-defeating attitude, the other will give you a chance for personal development (albeit not looked for), to look at where your strengths lie and present yourself in a new way. Losing your job is the fact. How you deal with it is where your power lies.
It brings me back to the benefit of holidays. It gives us that break, that pause, in which to look at things in a new way. Happy holidays!
There is a lot of fear going round at present about possible unemployment and job cutbacks. It’s alarming because it has brought to the fore an issue that has often been associated with men who lose their jobs late in their careers and realise that they don’t know who they are, apart from their job. This is a very important fact to keep at the front of your mind - you are not your job, you have a job, or do a job. But you are not the job.
We all do it all the time though. We ask “Who is that guy?” and the answer will inevitably be “He’s a plumber/programmer/lawyer/insert-your-job-here”. But that’s not who he is. It’s what he does. Before you had a job - did you exist? Yes. Before you had your current job, did you have another job? Probably. Do you imagine that when you retire you will cease to exist? No. Most likely you are imagining, for your retirement, all the things you’ve wanted to do for years, the places you’ve wanted to go and didn’t have the time off. And now you do.
Think about it. Before you had a job, were you real? Did you have love and happiness, hopes and dreams, fears and upsets? Yes. Did you have people who loved you and cared about you? Yes. Did you have friends who you knew were there for the good times and the bad and that, during the bad times you would need them even more, and they would be there? Yes.
If you are unlucky to have lost your job, or be on reduced hours or income - keep reminding yourself that you are still the same person. You are a person who is loved and cared about. You are a person of worth. You have friends and family that love you, not based on your job, but simply because you are lovable and loved by them. And at difficult times, they will want you to know that even more. Because our common humanity is something that is not dependent on what job you hold, or how much you bring home.
We are all in this together (not in the smarmy, hypocritical way the politicians keep telling us) and there will be times when we need help and times when we will want to help others.
Talk to each other. Even more than usual, when times are hard, communication is essential. Resist the temptation to avoid people because you feel raw and abused by your circumstances. Trust in the understanding of the people you have gathered round you over the years. Friends are not just for the good times. They are for all time.
This is where the talk stops and the commitment takes over. You see, we could all sit about all day meditating on our best selves, our life purpose, our vision. That’s all very well, and it’s necessary. But at some point we have to put our money where our mouth is. Where are you at present?
Have you dreamed the dream? Have you set the goals? Have you envisioned your future the way you want it? Now - are you ready to take the steps to get yourself there?
I’m sure lots of you are bored to tears with the YouTube video clip of Susan Boyle at the “Britain’s got Talent” show. It’s not a show I watch, but a colleague pointed me at the video clip and I have to say it brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I know some of the acts DO bring tears to the eyes, but Susan was not like that. It just made me feel all tingly that this woman had never given up on her dream and here she was getting the chance to shine.
We all deserve the chance to shine in our own area of genius. What is your unique genius? What is the world waiting to see/hear/learn from you? And have you any right to keep it all to yourself? Get like Susan Boyle and “dream a dream”.
Just a quick mention that April 25th is World Malaria Day. I found this link on the Care2 website www.care2.com . Take a look and see what you can do to help. When half of the world is complaining about recession and depression, it’s a good idea to put it all into perspective and value our health, our privilege in living in first world conditions and our joy in the quality of our life and health.
When you watch this Unicef video, make sure to watch to the end. As usual it starts by looking at the gloomy situation, but it’s worth watching for the hopeful ending. I love happy endings!
It seems, from responses to the blog and newsletter, that confidence building is high on everyone’s list of priorities. I’m right there with you. I think confidence is something we’re born with, and it grows and diminishes with different events/cycles in our lives. If you’re lucky you’ve had confidence boosting parents and siblings, teachers, church leaders, friends, classmates, colleagues, bosses etc. (you get the picture - the list is endless). So with such a list, I’m guessing most of us have had knocks to our natural confidence.
Inside our heads we all have an idea, or picture, of how we look as confident people. Otherwise we would have nothing to measure our lack of confidence against. When I ask someone to visualise themselves as a confident person and they say they can’t see it - it’s not true! Sounds harsh maybe, and I would not come right out and say “You’re not telling the Truth. You Are Confident!” But pause for a second and listen.
First of all how do you know you lack confidence? Somewhere inside your head you do have a picture of what confidence is, what it means, and how it would feel to be like that. Otherwise you wouldn’t know that you don’t have it. See? To know you’re missing it, you have to know what it is and what it looks/feels/acts like.
That’s a fantastic start. So you DO know what confidence is/feels like/looks like. Great! Now you know what you’re working towards. Maybe you just haven’t connected with it for a long time. It’s time to start.
Listen to what Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul book series, The Success Principles and many more inspiring books) has to say about it. What do you think?
Let’s send a wave of positive energy right around the world! In the face of a lot of negativity, I’m relying on you readers to do your bit. Stay positive. Smile at your friends, neighbours and especially complete strangers. I don’t mean an inane smile that will have them sending for the guys in white coats. I just mean that there’s no tax on smiling - so let’s do LOTS of it!!
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
Leo Buscaglia
How many times a day do you hear or read those words? People even say it to each other when they meet. It’s becoming a catchphrase. Now, if you’re reading this, you’re probably a positive thinking person. Maybe you do affirmations, positive visualizations, sending good wishes and thoughts out into the world or universe when you meditate or pray. That’s great. But what are you doing the rest of the time?
You all know the belief that we get what we focus on, right? Well if you are positive thinking at specific times each day, but then meeting your friends or neighbours and doing the “Ain’t if awful” conversation, which are you doing more of? Will your one hour’s meditation swing it against the three hours you moaned with your friends about the economy, the banks, the unemployment etc.? I’m not saying stick your head in the sand and ignore it. It’s real. It’s happening.
But looking only at the bad means that we focus on the bad. And if you believe that you get more of what you focus on … what do you think you’ll get? A pay rise? An offer of a great new job? A big lotto win? I don’t think so.
So, even when things globally look bad, or perhaps even moreso when they look bad, we need to focus on positive things. They are always there. Maybe we have to look harder. For starters, lots of things have actually come down in price. Lots of foodstuffs are cheaper than before the recession. Buying locally can help support your own community. Petrol (depending on where in the world you live) is cheaper than it was (though it’s creeping up again I notice). For some people their mortgages are coming down.
So can we look at the real things please? Have you lost your job? No? Then look out for ways you can support jobs in your neighbourhood. That can be anything from paying a neighbour’s kid to mow your lawn or wash your car to employing local workers to build your house extension. If you still have enough money coming in, try to spend it in your community and support your local economy.
And my favourite - barter! I’m a big fan of exchange. You can exchange goods e.g. why not have a “garage swap” instead of a “garage sale”? If you have a service that you provide, why not exchange it for services others provide? I don’t think there’s any law against it (if you know otherwise, please let me know because I’ll be in big trouble!). It’s a fair exchange of services. No money involved. Just people helping each other out.
And finally, or perhaps it should be first, gratitude. I know you’ll say it’s all Pollyanna-ish, and new-age, but there are always things you can be grateful for. Start with the obvious - if you have good health, be grateful for that. If you’re well enough to have a job in the first place you’re better off than people who were already unemployed and now have little or no hope of work. If you can no longer afford to eat out, be grateful that you have friends that you can arrange dinner parties with. Take turns to have dinner in different houses maybe once a month or so. You may find that your friendships broadens through meeting new people at house parties.
I could devote an entire newsletter to “Things to be grateful for”, but you know the best ones in your own life. If you’d like to share your favourite ones with me, I’ll be delighted.
What resolutions did you make for this year? How many of them are still on the go? How many have been shelved by about, oh I’m guessing, the end of January? Don’t hang your heads! It’s the most normal thing in the world. I’m going to share something with you. Some of my regular readers will know this already. It’s no secret. I don’t make New Year Resolutions. That’s right. Never. As far as I’m concerned every day of the year is the start of a new 12 month period. I don’t particularly hold January 1st in any special esteem. What I do love about Jan. 1st is watching the New Year’s Day concert from Vienna, Austria. I watch it on television every year. Have done since I was a kid. I love it. For me, New Years Day is about getting up on time to make a pot of tea and settle down to watch and listen to the concert. It transports me to that beautiful city, and begins my year with music, beauty and joy. And it costs me nothing but the licence fee.
But what of resolutions? I said that I don’t make New Year Resolutions, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t set goals for myself at any time of year. I’m trying Jack Canfield’s quarterly goal setting, this year. With it, I choose one important goal that will improve my life. I commit to forming the new habit over three months. By then it should be part of my normal way of doing things, I will have formed a new, positve habit. Then I choose a new one for the next quarter.
For this quarter I decided to improve my time-keeping. I have been a poor time keeper most of my life. Ask my sister. Ask anyone who has ever arranged to meet me at a precise time. I can even manage to be late when I give myself time to spare. Because if I have time to spare, I’ll try to cram in something else and still end up late for my appointment! So - for me - improving my time-keeping would be a major step forward
How have I been doing? Well, I’ve discovered that to be on time for things, I really need to think much farther ahead than I usually do. For instance, if I am due to meet you for lunch tomorrow, I have to start thinking about it today. Now, for those of you who are good time-keepers, this is no surprise. But for me, my logic was that - if it’s tomorrow that I’m meeting you, then tomorrow is when I’ll think about it. You’ve spotted where this is going. When tomorrow comes, I have too little time to decide where to meet, what to wear, whether to drive or take the train, how to also fit in my usual mom-tasks etc. So I used to end up rushing, last minute, no make-up, feeling flustered and hopeless and angry with myself for being late yet again.
Now I can’t say I’m excellent yet, but I’ve found out something important, which is relevant to New Year resolutions too. Forgiveness. This quarter is my time-keeping quarter. I’m making great improvements in my time management. But if I still end up late for an appointment, for some reason - I FORGIVE MYSELF. That’s the important part. I don’t beat myself up. I don’t negative-talk myself. I don’t say “Oh no. I’ve failed again. I knew I was no good at this. I can never be on time.”
What I DO say is - “I can see how it happened that I was late this time. I can use that knowledge so that next time I won’t be late. I’m doing the best I can and I’m proud of that.”
Tell me - what do you say to yourself when you slip up? If you’ve already dropped some of your resolutions, was it because after one slip you told yourself you had failed and there was no point in keeping it up? How much easier is it going to be to keep a resolution if you’re constantly encouraging and forgiving yourself?
Try it for yourself. Take one of your resolutions that has lapsed. Or one you’re struggling with. Start today. Make sure that it’s an achievable and desirable goal, put all your previous attempts behind you and begin afresh. Forgive yourself. Congratulate yourself for all the effort you’ve already put into it. Resolve to forgive yourself if you make any slip ups. Take it one day at a time. Let me know how you get on.
I was doing an exercise recently, in fact I’m still working on it, about motivation. The exercise was to determine what motivates me. I wracked my brain. I asked myself deep, searching questions. The only thing I could come up with was - that when my family is in a crisis of any sort, small or large, I am motivated like never before. My focus becomes clear. My focus is razor sharp. My senses are like that of an animal hunting, or being hunted. Everything to left and right fades away and only my path becomes clear, focused and definite.
But the exercise required me to mention 5 ways/things that motivate me. I could not think of any others. I did the exercise with a colleague. Still nothing. I was beginning to feel that it was odd that only a negative thing would motivate me so energetically. So I e-mailed a couple of people to ask them what questions I could ask myself to elicit the answers. They both replied in much the same way. They pointed out that I was motivated every day, I just didn’t think about it. Why would I get out of bed in the morning if I wasn’t motivated? Why would I have tried to do the exercise in the first place, if I wasn’t motivated? Why would I eat, read, learn, feed my family & care for them, drive my kids to their classes etc. if I wasn’t motivated?
So I began to see that I was looking for a huge motivating factor. I was looking for what motivates me to make big decisions, or big changes, or take big chances. But, while these occasions for the BIG motivator and BIG response do exist, they are not the nuts and bolts of my everyday living. My ordinary (if any motivator is truly ordinary) motivations are the same as the big one I identified - I love my family. I want to be loved, needed, appreciated, listened to. I want to feel good. That motivates me to do the things that will lead to me feeling good. End of story.
The time has come. Tonight I make my Toastmaster’s Ice-Breaker speech. That means it will be the first speech I make at my Toastmasters club, since I joined last September. With the weather looking none too good, it may be a very small audience to hear it!
I joined Toastmasters after hearing about it yyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaarrrrrrss ago from a friend of mine. She joined way back in 19?? and recommended it to me then. It always sounded like a good idea, but I constantly have a list of things that I think are a good idea. It doesn’t mean I will necessarily get around to any or all of them… ever! But this one finally came to pass because I decided it was high time I got over my anxiety about standing up in front of groups of people and speaking to them. I’m great at the one-to-one, but have some difficulties translating that into speaking to groups.
Also, last year, when I started the Jack Canfield Success Principles coaching, my breakthrough goal was/is to increase my self-belief and confidence. The breakthrough goal is defined as the one goal that, if you achieve it, it will have a huge impact on every other goal you have or set. For me, increasing my belief in my own skill, abilities, learning and intuition was what I identified as the biggest breakthrough I could make.
As part of that, it came back to my mind that my friend had recommended Toastmasters to me years ago. I thought it was a good place to start, since its whole focus is standing up and making speeches in front of people. My experience so far has been very positive and it already benefitting me and helping me towards my goal.
The atmosphere at Toastmasters is one of welcome and support. From the moment I attended my first meeting I was greeted warmly and given lots of information about the group and its work. Members were friendly and I was never left to feel isolated or on-the-fringe. I found the evening very inclusive, but I was assured that guests were not called on to speak, but could answer topics if they felt the urge. I didn’t! But within a couple of months I was asked if I would like to do Poet Master (which is to select a poem and to read it at a Toastmasters meeting, and to say a few words about the poet and why I chose the poem.
The support and goodwill at meetings is such that I found myself agreeing, and even looking forward to it. I have since done Poet Master again, and tonight I will do my Ice-Breaker speech. Wish me luck!
