Visualising positive outcomes is helping me at the moment.  When I feel scared or intimidated at the thought of being a student, which is WAY beyond my comfort zone, I spend time day-dreaming the scene…

 

I’m arriving at the college.  I can see the entrance and I’m walking in.  Of course (since it’s MY daydream) it’s a beautiful September day.  I have a map of the layout of the college, so I use it to find my way to my first lecture.  There is a huge variety of people already there when I arrive.  Some are mature students like myself.  Most are school leavers (like my son).  I feel a bit like first day at school - excited but a bit anxious because I don’t know the people yet, or the routine.  Still, everybody - no matter what age - is probably feeling the same, so I take the plunge and introduce myself to the first group I meet.  After a few short minutes, I am chatting away with a group of students, who are all here to study the same subjects as I am.  We already have a common interest, so it makes conversation easy…

 

Y’see how I do it?  I make up words and pictures of how it will be, so that when I get there, it will no longer feel like something new and strange.  It will feel more familiar and comfortable.  Maybe I’m crazy - but I think it will help!!

 

Many of you regular readers will notice that you haven’t had anything new to read here in months!  It’s confession time for me.  I am dealing with my success!  Yes, it’s true!  I have achieved the latest element in my long term goal of going to college.  It’s a goal that has been on my list for many years and now it has come to fruition.

 

Remember earlier this year, I told you that I was applying to go to college, now that my children are older and more independent?  Well, I’ve been accepted into the college of my choice here in Dublin.  I am thrilled.  I am proud of myself.  I’m even a bit gobsmacked that I’ve been accepted (old bad habits die hard!), but I have!

 

All my time since February has been college related.  Not just on my own account, I should say, but this family is just at a college-phase of our existence.  My daughter was busy submitting projects, studying for finals and then, in May, sitting her finals.  My son was busy planning his college path and making his applications, based on how his exams go (they are ongoing - so fingers crossed) and I have been applying, doing aptitude tests, interviews and then waiting… and waiting … and waiting … until finally I got the letter that said “We are pleased to inform you …”

 

I’m struck daily by the difference in the way school leavers and mature students approach the idea of college.  Firstly, when I was applying, I got a terrible fear of “What if I don’t get a place?”  But my daughter, who’s been through it all, said simply “They you’ll apply again next year”.  It had felt like a do-or-die issue to me, until she made me see that, while there is a lower age limit for mature students (23 in this case) - there is no upper age limit.  I need have no fear that my time was running out!

 

I wrote a letter accepting the place.  I asked my daughter if she thought I had given enough information.  She smiled and told me that a school-leaver would have said - “Yes thanks, I’ll take the place” - whereas I said “Thank you for the offer of a place.  If you need any more information please contact me at home (number) on my mobile (number) or at this e-mail (address).”  And I signed off with  “Looking forward to seeing you in September”.

 

Attitudes on exams also differ.  My childrens’ exams give them the feeling that they are somehow being personally judged in their exams, whereas at this stage of my life I see them more as useful benchmarks of progress (or lack of) and I know that - win, lose or draw - life goes on after exams.  I am not my work.  It is just one expression of who I am.

 

A friend of mine told me: “Mature students always sit at the front of the class.  They really appreciate being there.  They want to see and hear everything that goes on.”

 

I agreed.

 

She said: “But, sitting at the front, you don’t see the people behind you.  When you put your hand up to ask your very interesting question at 12.50pm, you don’t see the murderous looks of your classmates who were watching the minutes till lunchtime ticking slowly by!”

 

Apparently that’s one of the quickest ways to lose friends in college!  So now I know.

 

I could keep on rambling on here about my college hopes, dreams and realities, but then this blog would never end.  All I will say is that from Sept/Oct, I will no longer be actively pursuing my life coaching business.

 

This blog may continue.  Or maybe someone will pay me to blog on the experiences of a mature student?  Who know?  My future awaits me!

 

 

 

I’m a life coach, not a psychologist, so I can’t tell you why we do it, but as a member of the human race I can vouch for the fact that we definitely do it.  Here in Ireland, maybe we even have an extreme habit of doing this.  Our historically Catholic ethos does not promote our ability to be proud of ourselves, congratulate ourselves or speak confidently of our own achievements.

 

So with that sort of background and schooling, I’m guessing that most of you know the kind of self-talk that I’m getting at here.  Fair enough.  But what can we do about it?  In my life coaching business, I regularly come across people who are very keen on positive thinking, affirmations, visualisations etc.  Great.  Great for about the 20 minutes that you are doing your affirmations/visualisations etc.  What about the other 23hrs 40mins of the day?  Hmmmm?

 

Here’s where I’ve got to so far.  I started out doing yoga when I was about twenty.  I thought it would change my life.  I enjoyed doing it.  I loved meeting other people who were interested in yoga.  But it didn’t change my life. 

 

Years later I trained in massage and aromatherapy.  I thought “This is it!  This will change my life.”  I loved/love being a massage/aroma therapist.  It’s very fulfilling.  It’s part of who I am.  Helping people is what I enjoy.  It didn’t change my life.

 

I studied Life Coaching.  Now - if ever there was something that would change my life - this would be it!  I trained and practise now as a life coach, helping clients, blogging and writing an e-newsletter.  I LOVE it.  I get great feedback from readers and clients.  It didn’t change my life.

 

When I started learning/studying NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) I began to see what was going on in my life.  I read books by Richard Bandler, John Grinder, Michael Neill, Paul McKenna, Owen Fitzpatrick and Brian Colbert, among others and these writers helped me to make sense of my life so far.  Things that fall into the “DO” category, do not change my life.  They are actions I take in my life.  I can use them to help me make positive changes.  But they are not the changes, they are just the tools.

 

Things that fall into the “BEING” category, are the ones that change everything.  When the things that I DO are in tune with the person that I AM, then my life starts to flow in a way that no amount of training can achieve.  I am very proud of all that I have studied and achieved (although even being so proud of myself took years and lots of positive self-talk), but most of all I am proud of the person that I am.  That is who I am 24hrs of the day.  So, while I may spend time visualising, time meditating, time doing positive affirmations, the most useful thing I can do is to tell myself, 24/7 that I am loved, that I am worthwhile and that I am always good enough, just as I am.

 

Try telling yourself that, 24 hours a day for even a week, and see how you feel.  You’ll sleep better, feel more relaxed and more positive about each new day.

 

Some schools are receiving the results of their “mocks” this week, so tread carefully around the teens in your family.  You don’t need the advice of a Life Coach to know that!

 

How do we find the right balance of things to say?  We want to encourage and support our kids, but we don’t want to be so soft on them that they don’t get to grips with the reality of facing the end of their school career and the beginning of the next phase of their development.  We’re all afraid that, by being too gentle on them, we may fail to help them cope with the normal disappointments and knocks that every life is prone to.

 

I tend to err on the side of stepping back and looking at the fact that life continues after exams, one way or the other.  The proof is that millions of people are doing it, and have done it for generations.  I can point to my parents and to myself and husband as the most immediate examples that, for good or bad, the end of school - while significant - is not the end of life as we know it.

 

This post is not a “How to understand your teens” or a “10 steps to guiding your children to success” because I don’t have the answers for you.  You have.  I am busy working my way through it for myself.  All I can suggest to you, from my own experience, is:

 

and remember - you, as the responsible adult, have seen many things come and go, so you can afford to be philosophical and know that - this too will pass!

 

If you have any comments to make, please do.

 

 

Procrastination is a state of mind that’s a bit like the twilight zone.  It’s a behaviour we all know, to some extent.  I found this clip today and, sad to say, it is something I TOTALLY understand!  Ah, stuff!  And getting it done!  If you’re a procrastinator, you probably looked at the clip and thought - “That’s really funny”.  But why is it funny?  Let me tell you - it’s funny because you understand it, because you’ve been there, and because - if you’re watching the clip - then you are watching the animation instead of “getting stuff done”!

 

We all drag any number of things and actions (always useful and essential things and action, I want to stress) into our day, in place of getting done the things we had actually set out to do in the first place.  We have the clean desk, the anti-bac wiped phone and keyboard, the re-sharpened pencils in their holder, the felt tips all tested and the old ones binned … need I go on?  You probably have your own favourite.

 

For me, as a parent, I can always find a “family” reason why I didn’t get my blog post written.  I had to collect my daughter from the station, I had to drop my son to guitar class, I had to shop for the dinner etc.  These are all blessed with the special category of “family”, therefore I cannot be blamed for doing them before writing my blog.

 

What’s really going on here?  Yep, I’m trying to justify NOT doing something I’ve already committed to doing.  Beyond that, what’s the story?  Well - is the thing I’m avoiding necessary?  To whom?  In what way?  To whose benefit?  One possibility is that it’s not something I really want to do at all.  If that’s the case, why am I doing/avoiding it?  Does it comply with my role in some way? (e.g. is it so I’ll be seen as a good/better businesswoman/coach/worker or - dare I say it - person)?  Maybe it’s not something I need to be doing at all.

 

Or is it something I want to do, in order to have it done, but don’t enjoy the doing of it?  What can I do?  Maybe I can delegate?  Maybe I can do turn-and-turn-about with a colleague/neighbour?  Maybe I can offer to exchange my skill in some other area, with someone who has skills in my area of procrastination?

 

Finally, it may be something I want to do, I need to do it and, in the circumstances, I’m the only one who can do it.  At this point, the easiest path is acceptance.  “Ok, I have to do this.  I don’t enjoy it, but I will enjoy the benefits of having it done.  So - as Brian Tracy might say - “Eat that Frog!”  Just bite the bullet and do it.  Pick the nastiest, most put-off job and start with that.  You will feel such a sense of satisfaction and - yes - self-righteous pride when you have it done, that it will make you look forward to the next challenge with more enthusiasm and less procrastination than you have before.

 

Now I have a frog called “ironing” that I have to go and eat!

 

I’m a person who likes to be useful, to be needed.  In my own family I would feel positively unloved if I thought my parents, siblings, children, even nieces and nephews - couldn’t rely on me for support and comfort.  I don’t quite hijack people in  order to help them, but sometimes it comes close!

 

It’s no surprise then that I’m involved in an area of work that requires me to be of help and support to people.  However, as in my personal life, I do draw the line at hijacking people in order to help them.

 

I was talking to a fellow Toastmaster recently who didn’t know a lot about life coaching, but knew it was becoming a bit of a buzz word.  She asked me if I thought she needed coaching.  When I asked her how her life was, she said it was fine.  She is a wonderfully positive, kind, generous, organised and generally (it seems to me) a very happy woman.  I said “What on earth would you need a life coach for?”

 

It got me thinking about my profession, life coaching.  There is a danger out there that people are being encouraged to believe that their lives are unfulfilled, that there is something missing, that they’re not achieving what they might.  In order to “sell” the idea of life coaching, there is a more hardline approach of selling the idea that people need it.  Clearly this is true in many cases, but certainly not all.

 

In my line of work, my aim is for my clients NOT to need me!  That is the goal of my life coaching.  I want them to see that they have control of, and responsibility for, their own lives and choices.  I applaud the client who contacts me for coaching when they are in a phase where they need (or would benefit from) a coach; when they want a non-judgemental, supportive person who can question, coax, comfort and challenge them through that phase.  I’m delighted when it becomes obvious to both of us that they no longer require regular sessions.

 

I would not be helping them, or my profession, if I were to hang on to them as a client simply to be my meal ticket.  Or if I had attracted them in the first place by convincing my customers that their lives were unfulfilled, just so that I could help them to fulfill imaginary gaps in their lives.

 

I suggest that people consider life coaching as they would any other trade or profession.  When you need a plumber, you call a plumber.  When your pipes are fixed, you don’t keep arranging to meet the plumber.  When you need a lawyer, you hire one.  When your legal requirement is dealt with, you say “Thanks very much” and “Goodbye”.  I realise that, even in these professions, there are doomsayers who would try to convince you that you do need more lagging for your pipes, more insulation, to sue your neighbour, to claim against the council etc.  You can’t stop this type of marketing, but you can be aware of it.

 

Immediately I have to step in on my own conversation at this point and declare that I know that most coaches (and other professionals) do not do this.  However, you will all be aware of the growing number of ads, e-mails, flyers etc. that try to convince the reader that there is something wrong with the way they are right now.  That may not be the case.  There is much you can do to help yourself.  There are books, CDs, DVDs, free workshops and webinars, all of which can help you “self-coach” (which is something we do every day of our lives, I believe).

 

Then if, or when, you feel you need an ally, a support, a life coach - that’s the time to investigate who suits you and what programme will help you.

 

Sorry for having a bit of a rant, but it’s something I feel strongly about in my work.  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

 

If I could tell you just one thing that has made a big difference to me in the past year, what would that be?  It would be to bring gratitude and appreciation into your life.  I don’t mean going out, stopping people in the street and thanking them for being there.  Start with yourself.

 

For the past year I’ve been noting down, at bedtime, the things I’m grateful for throughout my day.  This practice sprang from my original routine of noting down achievements from the day.  I found that, when I focused on my achievements (no matter how small or seemingly insignificant) it gave my final review of the day a very positive feel to it.  Instead of going to bed with an unfinished To Do list in my head, containing all the things I had failed to do during the day, I would go over what I had achieved.  Without even trying, or noticing, I discovered that my sleep was more calm and untroubled and I would wake up feeling that I had achieved so much the previous day that it would be easy to tackle lots of new tasks.

 

When i found that this routine had become second nature, I started to add in the practice of writing down five or six things I was grateful for during the day.  Again - it needs to be simple and sincere.  Sometimes I just write down “I am thankful for the sunshine today“, or “I am thankful to be part of a loving family”.  It doesn’t have to be “things” to be thankful for, just whatever has helped make the day a good one.

 

Now when I settle down at night, no matter how many things might have gone wrong during the day, or how many things I could find to complain about or be regretful over, I feel more inclined to let go of the things that have upset me.  At the very least I can mentally list the good and the bad and cancel out any bad events in favour of a positive event.

 

Start doing this right now, and I guarantee that, by the end of the month, you’ll feel a lot brighter getting up in the morning, and sleep a lot more soundly at night.  Good luck!

 

The start of a new year is always a good time for a start of something new.  For me, February is the start of my year, since my birthday is in that month.  So - even though the calendar year has already started, my year really is just coming to a close.  And I’m planning my new one.

 

Ever since my children were small, I’ve promised myself that - when they were independent - I would go to college.  When I was in my teens, and finished second-level school, college was not an option.  There were five children in my family, and with college fees being extreme at that time, we all just left school and went job hunting.  That is not a complaint, it was just a fact at that time, for me - and I’m sure - for many of you.

 

But now my children are relatively independent (my son is finishing in second-level school this summer) and it’s time for me to look at that long-held dream of going to college myself. 

 

Of course, now that the dream becomes a possibility, I get terrified.  What if they don’t want me?  What if they don’t accept me?  What if I’m not good enough?  What if they reject me?

 

Here they are, creeping out of the woodwork of my soul - all the commonest fears and anxieties of every person I’ve ever met.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of failure.  Fear of not being good enough (in someone else’s eyes).   Fear.  Fear.  Fear.

 

Since attending the Mature Students Open Evening last week, the idea/dream of college has been on my mind, to some degree, every minute of every day.  Yes, it has been unsettling.  It’s been especially weird because my son, who is finishing school in June, is also applying to college - but as a school leaver.

 

So, what are our perspectives?  Very different.  He is looking out with the naivety of youth.  He credits college with being the key to his future.  That may be so.  But it’s not the only one.  I’m looking at it as the possibility to immerse myself in a subject or subjects that I have loved for years, to be able to study them without apology, to discuss them with like-minded people, to argue my point, to learn, to improve.

 

I can’t help but be struck by the differences in our approaches.  As a school leaver, my son relies on the results of his State exams in June.  To me that seems relatively simple, since he has to sit the exams anyway.  I have to convince an admissions board that, having been out of the “normal” education system for many years, it will be worth their while to award me a place in their college. 

 

My son thinks I have it easy.  “All you have to do is write and tell them you want a place.  I have to do all these exams!”

 

My retort is “All you have to do is submit a form, relate your choices to the results of exams you’d be sitting anyway!  You don’t have to convince anyone.  You don’t have to persuade, cajole, plead or make a case for your offer of a place in college.  Easy, peasy, lemon-squeezy!!” (as he might have said years ago).

 

Then I start to think - “What if they turn me down?”.

 

I confided my fear to my daughter. 

 

“Apply again next year” she said.  The wisdom of youth!

 

Y’know something?  She’s right!

 

While I was looking in the shops over the Christmas, I found a book called “No More Clutter” by Sue Kay.  I had heard the author interviewed on the radio, and was interested in her views on decluttering.  I like the fact that she is a psychologist, so she understands the reasons behind why we clutter.  That helps me more than someone just setting out a bunch of rules I have to follow to clear out my stuff.  I have started reading it, and I have started decluttering.  They go hand in hand.  At the moment it has a real feelgood feel to it, and that has to be a good thing.

 

I suppose it wouldn’t have appealed to me as a book to read if I wasn’t in that place mentally, where I want to clear out old “stuff”.  I mean mental stuff as well as the daily clutter of my home and life!  Readers who are interested in the life-coaching elements of this blog can probably relate to this too.  Possibly mental clutter is the reason behind the physical clutter, but - unlike Sue - I am not a psychologist, so I don’t know for sure.

 

One of the most useful exercises in the book is the “Smile Test”.  I hope she will forgive me for reproducing, verbatim, her piece on the Smile Test:

 

 

 

 

 

Sue Kay makes a very good point.  When we’re kids, “things” have no emotional hold on us whatsoever.  If we like something (whether it makes sense or not) we hang onto it for dear life.  If we don’t like it, we quickly lose it, or forget to bring it home, or give it away.  We don’t agonize over it.  We don’t say “I’d better keep it because auntie so-and-so gave it to me and she’d be really upset if she knew I gave it away”.  Our decision making was simple.

 

I’m not suggesting you broadcast to auntie so-and-so if you’re giving the lamp she gave you for Christmas to the charity shop at the very beginning of January.  But you are entitled to make your own decisions about your own life and your own possessions.  That’s what I’m trying to do, starting this month.  I also accept that, for it to work, it has to be ongoing and not just for the holidays.  Watch this space …

 

 

It is like a rich seam of gold that can be ignored and left undetected for years, hidden out of sight.  At any time, we can decide to uncover that treasure in all its glory and use it for our own good and that of our neighbours and the world.

 

I’m looking at what new levels of “treasure-hunting” I can get up to this year.  I am freshly accredited with NLP Life Coaching skills from the Irish Institute of NLP, building on my existing six years of coaching and NLP qualifications.  I have my website and blog up and running, newsletters going out regularly (sign up if you want to be included), have completed my first four Toastmasters speeches, got the job of Sgt-at-arms in my local Toastmasters club, have exhibited my art in various local venues with the Portmarnock Art Group, have finished my coaching with the Jack Canfield coaching organisation and have been co-founder of a Skype mastermind group (with members in Spain, Germany, Ireland, and others joining from Switzerland this year, we hope) arising from the Canfield coaching programme.

 

This all sounds like blowing my own trumpet and - y’know what? - it is!  Try it!  It’s good for the soul!  It took me most of my year with Canfield to learn to acknowledge my achievements, allow myself to take credit for my hard work and just rewards and to learn to plan for more successes in my future.

 

So I’m recommending that you start your year with a nice long list of all your achievements/successes in 2009.  What a great way to head into a new year.  And let me remind you that often the things that you take for granted are really successes.  For instance, what if you stay at home to care for an elderly or sick relative?  You might think - well, I don’t go out to work, so I’m not really achieving anything.  Wrong!!  You can write down as achievements: caring, nurturing, sharing, nursing, showing love, supporting, helping, organising.  You can write down as skills you have: patience, caring, love, willingness to help, interest in others, using your strength to ease others weakness, compassion and understanding.

 

Start now.  Write down lists and lists of achievements, successes.  Don’t try to categorise them or rate them.  They are all valid.  In my personal life I often find that at the end of a day, my greatest success might have been to show understanding and a listening ear to my teenage son, when I might really feel like screaming at him instead!  Any of you with kids will know that this is a REAL achievement!!

 

I’d love to hear how you get on with this.  You are my readers, my clients, my supporters.  Without you there would be no reason for me to write this.  It’s a two way street.  If you have something to say, tell me.

 

For now I leave you with my best wishes again, for your health, happiness and the uncovering of great “seams” of joy in your life for 2010.

 

Daria