Procrastination is a state of mind that’s a bit like the twilight zone. It’s a behaviour we all know, to some extent. I found this clip today and, sad to say, it is something I TOTALLY understand! Ah, stuff! And getting it done! If you’re a procrastinator, you probably looked at the clip and thought - “That’s really funny”. But why is it funny? Let me tell you - it’s funny because you understand it, because you’ve been there, and because - if you’re watching the clip - then you are watching the animation instead of “getting stuff done”!
We all drag any number of things and actions (always useful and essential things and action, I want to stress) into our day, in place of getting done the things we had actually set out to do in the first place. We have the clean desk, the anti-bac wiped phone and keyboard, the re-sharpened pencils in their holder, the felt tips all tested and the old ones binned … need I go on? You probably have your own favourite.
For me, as a parent, I can always find a “family” reason why I didn’t get my blog post written. I had to collect my daughter from the station, I had to drop my son to guitar class, I had to shop for the dinner etc. These are all blessed with the special category of “family”, therefore I cannot be blamed for doing them before writing my blog.
What’s really going on here? Yep, I’m trying to justify NOT doing something I’ve already committed to doing. Beyond that, what’s the story? Well - is the thing I’m avoiding necessary? To whom? In what way? To whose benefit? One possibility is that it’s not something I really want to do at all. If that’s the case, why am I doing/avoiding it? Does it comply with my role in some way? (e.g. is it so I’ll be seen as a good/better businesswoman/coach/worker or - dare I say it - person)? Maybe it’s not something I need to be doing at all.
Or is it something I want to do, in order to have it done, but don’t enjoy the doing of it? What can I do? Maybe I can delegate? Maybe I can do turn-and-turn-about with a colleague/neighbour? Maybe I can offer to exchange my skill in some other area, with someone who has skills in my area of procrastination?
Finally, it may be something I want to do, I need to do it and, in the circumstances, I’m the only one who can do it. At this point, the easiest path is acceptance. “Ok, I have to do this. I don’t enjoy it, but I will enjoy the benefits of having it done. So - as Brian Tracy might say - “Eat that Frog!” Just bite the bullet and do it. Pick the nastiest, most put-off job and start with that. You will feel such a sense of satisfaction and - yes - self-righteous pride when you have it done, that it will make you look forward to the next challenge with more enthusiasm and less procrastination than you have before.
Now I have a frog called “ironing” that I have to go and eat!
I came across this clip today, and I really like it. I would put it in under my “Feelgood Tasks” because I think it relates to a whole change of behaviour, which will bring long term benefits to your self and others.
Let me know what you think. I haven’t heard of this group before, so I’m promoting them. I just like the clip. I like what it says. It’s positive, affirming, motivational and it gets us out of ourselves and our own little world and gets us to focus on how we interact with others. Hopefully we can make that interaction a positive one.
I often read self-help books (no kidding?!) and many of them talk about compassion and forgiveness. There is an emphasis on the fact that, if we do not have forgiveness and compassion we cannot move forward with our lives. I agree. Much of the baggage we bring (let’s face it - drag) with us from our pasts, is an accumulation of unforgiven acts or words, and a lack of compassion or understanding of how things were then.
“If I had only said that, or hadn’t said what I did say”
“If only I had told them”
“If only I could have let go my hurt and moved on”
“If they only knew how hurt I felt”
my life would have been, or now would be so much better.
What is the advantage to us of holding onto the hurts of the past? Is it to avenge ourselves on someone? To hope that they will feel the hurt we did and somehow understand how much we suffered? In reality - after the event - who is left hurting? We are. Not the “perpetrator” of the “crime”.
And where does that leave us? What role is left for us to play?
That’s right - if we’re not the “perp” then we must be the victim!
I bet none of us wants to land that role! We can readily point to friends/acquaintances whom we see as being victims. We pride ourselves on not being that type at all. Never!
During my coaching last year I was, on one occasion, horrified to hear my own coach refer to certain of my behaviours as “victim”. I was angry with her and refused to believe her at all. Of course, very soon I had that sneaking little feeling that I was only angry with her because I feared it was true. It was like a slap in the face for me, but a well-intentioned one and eventually I was grateful for it.
I’m not suggesting that we need to trawl back over our past lives and try to reverse or forgive every act from the past, but I am all for starting from right now. If I can start from right now, to be compassionate and understanding of myself, then I am in a better place to leave hurts behind and move on with my life.
The first and most important forgiveness has to be for ourselves. If I spend the next period of my life not forgiving myself for the baggage I’ve carried from my earliest years, I’m just giving myself all the same grief all over again! Stop it! Stop it now!
Let’s try - at the end of each and every day - to take a moment to show ourselves forgiveness and compassion. You could devise a little mantra for yourself, like “I forgive myself for any hurts I may have caused myself or others during this day, and I forgive others who may have hurt me today”. Or something like that. After a week of not dragging little hurts and conflicts with us, how will we feel?
I’m reliably informed that the term “Self Development” ranks highly in Google search word terms. Good. I think that’s great. Not from a life coaches blogging perspective, but from the point of view of an impressive number of people searching for help with their self development. I do it myself, and I’m proud to say so.
In Ireland we have a rather suspicious approach to needing help. Giving help - we’re great at that. But getting help - that’s not so easy to ask for. I think it’s something to do with the notion that, if we need to get help, first of all something must be wrong and secondly it means we have failed to cope with it ourselves. Maybe it’s an insular thing? Maybe to do with island people having to cope on their own? I don’t know.
I have been helping myself and others to improve our lives for as many years as I can remember. It manifested itself in my twenties when I trained to be a yoga teacher, and continued through training over the years in massage, aromatherapy, Reiki, coaching and NLP to where I am today.
Did self-development start when I was in my twenties? No, but perhaps that was when I noticed that I could be active, rather than passive, about my development. For most of my twenties I suffered appalling panic-attacks. I would have the tight-chested pain, dizziness, sweating, clammy skin, racing heart and be convinced that at any moment I would die. For eight or nine years I suffered this to varying degrees, always thinking that it was just me and that there was no one who could help me. I developed many coping strategies, which I suppose was “enforced” self-development (sounds a bit paradoxical).
When other things in my life at the time caused me to seek help, I was amazed at how the simple act of getting help was more powerful than I could have imagined.
Self development is called such simply because no one else can “do” our self development. But there are many people who can help us to do it for ourselves.
Since that time, I have regularly sought help in areas where I felt I needed outside expertise to make progress in my life and development. Sometimes it was a psychotherapist, other times a hypnotherapist or Reiki practitioner. But always I found that getting outside help gave me some new options, which I could not see for myself.
So, I feel that, whether or not “Self Development” is seen as the new “must have” or not, it doesn’t matter. We are all constantly developing ourselves, our attitudes, our beliefs, our behaviours, our personalities and our potential. We do it whether we plan it or not, whether we are aware of it or not and whether we like it or not. So why not make it a bit easier for ourselves. When we need help, why not seek it out and make the most of it, so that we can make the most of our lives?
I’m finally sitting down to write the review of Owen Fitzpatrick’s book “Not Enough Hours”. The subheading is “The secrets of making every second count!” The foreward is by Dr. Richard Bandler, one of the founders of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). This is a book about time management. You have to understand that my version of time management is to put off all the things I don’t like doing, until the very last minute, then panic and do them all in a hurry. Now this has its advantages for me. Firstly, I get all that free time to do things I like to do. Secondly, I seem to operate better when I have left myself less time to do something e.g. write a book review!
All these weird and wonderful versions of people and time management styles are captured in Owen’s book. I love the fact that the book does not tell you all the things you HAVE to do to be a great time manager. It starts off by giving loads of information from science and history about why we are the way we are. I love lots of background information, simply presented. I also like the cartoon like drawings. I’m a very visual person.
That struck me as I read, in fact. This book appeals to everyone. If you want background information - it’s got it. If you like scientific fact - it’s got it. If you like funny anecdotes - it’s got it. And if you’re someone that just wants to know what to do to be a great time-manager - you just skip to that part of the book and do exactly what it says.
Even if you’re already a great time manager and want some quick and easy tips & tools to try out for your further self-development, just flip straight to the back of the book for pages and pages of suggestions on how to make your time management even more streamlined.
Don’t worry when you start to read the different personality types if you begin to feel that you are, in fact, ALL of the types mentioned. I did. Well, ok, not the Workaholic! But I certainly recognised elements of myself in the Perfectionist, the Hesitator, the Hurrier and the Busy Bee.
It’s nice to read that Owen knows what it’s like to struggle to develop time management skills. He understands how easily I can sit down to write my blog, then I research something, find a really interesting article I want to read, which leads to a great website on NLP where there’s a video I really must watch, followed by a link to …
You know what this is like (the book calls it “Time Crime 1: Distractions & Interruptions”). You really did mean to do just one bit of research. And Owen understands this. He doesn’t wag his finger and frown because you’re not a good manager of time. He has helpful suggestions for all types of people and all levels of time manager. I find there’s nothing worse than a self-help book that criticises me for being the way I am and sighs deeply at me when I don’t make instant and extraordinary progress in my self-development.
“Not Enough Hours” will leave you feeling that someone understands you and the difficulties you have managing your time. You will find real guidelines, helpful tips and genuine support for your efforts and determination to improve. It’s full of useful information that you can go back to again and again.
As Owen says early on in the book:
“Change is simpler than you think. It involves being aware of what you are doing, learning to do something else instead and disciplining yourself to continue doing the new behaviour until it becomes a habit”
It’s not rocket science. The book is full of common sense. I began reading it with a highlighter pen at the ready in order to mark the really useful passages. After a few bright orange pages I accepted that the book is crammed with useful stuff, so there is very little that doesn’t need highlighting.
After all that praise, have I any suggestions for improvement? It’s for the publishers really. I think a spiral bound, hard backed version of the book (in a better quality paper) would make a superb desk-top book. Another suggestion? Why not have a desk-diary to accompany it, giving little time-management tips on each page e.g. on Mondays it could have “Make your weekly to-do list”, or last thing on the day could be “Tick off all completed tasks and move incompletes to tomorrow”. Oh, and if that idea catches on - I want commission!
I’ve been proud to claim that I am a qualified Master Practitioner of NLP, and to say that I use NLP skills in my life-coaching in order to help clients make positive changes in their lives easily and effectively. Responses to this vary. People in the personal development field nod knowingly, or raise their eyebrows questioningly. Those outside the coaching or therapy professions often wonder what it is but don’t want to appear lacking by admitting they don’t know.
And then there’s the ordinary guy in the street, John Doe, Joe Public or - here in Ireland - Sean Citizen. I love you and hate you - all Johns, Joes and Seans. I love you because you come right out and ask “What the hell is that when it’s at home?”. I hate you for that very same reason. How on earth do I explain NLP?
First of all it stands for Neuro-Linguistic Programming. When I heard that first I thought “Ya wha’ Gay?” and I have to say it still causes me to stop and rack my brains. Richard Bandler, one of the co-creators (with John Grinder) of NLP, defines it in a recent book as:
“NLP is an attitude, methodology and technology that teaches people how to improve the quality of their lives. It is an educational tool that teaches people how to communicate more effectively with themselves and others. It is designed to help people have personal freedom in the way they think, feel and behave.”
For me the most informative part of that explanation of NLP is “teaches people how to communicate more effectively with themselves” because that’s how change comes about in our own lives. Someone else telling you to give up smoking, get over your fears, pull yourself together and make the changes - is NEVER going to work. But if we can get inside our own thinking and find out how to communicate with ourselves how much we WANT to give up smoking, or how there has been a perfectly good reason for having fear in the past but now we want a new way of believing and thinking - imagine how much we could improve our lives every day!
That’s what I love about NLP. It’s about story telling. It’s about the stories we tell others about ourselves, and more importantly, it’s about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.
I think it’s telling that Bandler and Grinder called it Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) because their own background was in technology and linguistics. But as a term, it doesn’t explain itself to the ordinary punter very well.
As I said earlier, for me NLP is about stories. We hear, create and learn stories and patterns of behaviour from the moment we’re born. We hear that we are “the cutest baby”, “just like your Daddy” etc. all harmless enough. When we’re older we learn “if you don’t eat up all your dinner you won’t grow up big and strong” which in our own mind can translate into food being a contentious issue. We learn “don’t talk to strangers” which can translate into a lack of trust in people and a difficulty in making new friendships.
I’m not trying to sound like everything we hear is bad, but we hear a “story” then we tell ourselves a “story” and pretty soon we have formed a pattern around it, and forget the original story. Our personality development is filled with patterns we adopt based on the stories we’re believing.
I used to have a fear of dogs. Now that may have stemmed from an incident with a dog when I was tiny, or it might have been an imagined drama that I created in my own mind. I don’t remember. But for the rest of my life I was left with a fear of dogs, that - at its worst - meant that I wouldn’t go outside the door on my own and couldn’t even enjoy a walk.
I went to a therapist to help that. Turns out it’s not stemming from a fear of dogs, but a fear of being alone. But that’s another story!
The great thing is we can decide or choose - at any time - to believe a different story! This is the genuine magic of Neuro Linguistic Programming. When an NLP practitioner listens to us telling our stories, they can see what language we use to tell ourselves stories. They can then speak our language back to us and help us to choose a more useful story for our lives.
In one line - what’s the best thing about NLP? NLP is about finding and choosing the most useful beliefs, stories and patterns to live the life we want for ourselves. Apologies to Richard Bandler, John Grinder and my tutors Owen Fitzpatrick and Brian Colbert if I’ve just negated all your years of training me!
Change really gets a bad press. Change is set up as being difficult, painful, unpleasant, something none of us wants to do unless we have to. Well anything that’s portrayed that way is going to have a tough job getting any takers!
What if you could see change as a gateway to something better? What if you could see it as the passage to a better, more fulfilling life? Maybe you could see it as your contribution to the miracle that is your dream life?
Sounds too good to be true? Let’s look at some real life situations. Say you’re in a job that you’re a bit fed up with. You’d like a better one, but you don’t take any action to get one. You stay where you are, taking advantage of the drinks on a Friday evening to complain about your job, your boss, your lack of prospects etc. There is no chance of things getting better unless something changes. Realistically, the only thing YOU have control over is yourself.
What can you do? Well, what does lie within your control? You can decide whether to stay or go. You can choose to look for a change of tasks within the job. You could ask for more responsibility, to do more varied and interesting tasks. You might decide that the job pays the bills and you can use it to fund your more interesting hobbies. You could look at what attracted you to that job in the first place and examine what has changed since then (maybe the job has, maybe you have). I’m sure you can think of other possible options in this scenario.
What if you leave things exactly as they are? Do nothing? Wait for “fate” to step in and take the decision away from you? Absolve yourself of all responsibility for your own happiness & fulfillment?
As one of my favourite quotes goes “If you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got” (W.L. Bateman). So if you keep on doing the nothing that you’ve always done, you’ll keep on getting the unsatisfactory job that you’ve always got.
What’s the way out of this puzzle? Accept change. Embrace it. Go out and find it before it finds you. Give yourself to it wholeheartedly. And eventually maybe you’ll even learn to enjoy it?
Hale Dwoskin who teaches The Sedona Method, details the three important questions we have to ask ourselves in relation to feeling bad about anything:
Could I change how I feel about this thing?
Would I change how I feel about it?
When?
The events presented to us in any situation may not be under our control, but our feeling about the events is OURS. Now what are we going to do with it?
I don’t mean “I need a new haircut” or “I need a holiday in Spain”. I mean your real needs, the things that are crucial to your living a full live. I’m talking about “I need to feel loved. I need to be heard. I need to pass on, to someone else, the love and joy that I feel”. Because when you find those real, deep-down needs that you must fulfill to have a happy life, they are also the clues to the beliefs that are “hardwired” into your earliest programming.
You might say that “survival” is the most basic need, because if we don’t survive then there’s no point in worrying about the other stuff! But straight after survival come the needs that we have that, if they are not met (either by ourselves or by others), we will have a mere survival, and not a life. What do you want for yourself? Just to survive? Or to really live?
I have always known that family is very important to me. As a member of a family of seven (one sister, three brothers & the parents), the actions and interactions of “family” is what supports me, challenges me, drives me and sometimes limits me (depending on what I choose). But when I started learning about NLP and how our own internal programming and view or “map” of the world affects us, I dug down to the very core of my beliefs. And right there, at the heart, is the fact that - for me - family is sacred. Way beyond what is nice and cosy, snuggled up by the fire, heart-to-heart chats with family members. It is like my “Prime Directive” (for all Star Trek fans), and my decisions and actions all stem from that. The basis for it was built up in my earliest years, through experiences and understandings that I had as a child.
But is it always useful for me, now, as an adult with family of my own? Is it helpful for me to hold sacred a system which may need to change and adapt over the years? This is a rhetorical question, by the way. While I myself will always be searching for the answer to this, and acting on it, it is only relevant to you in terms of what your Prime Directive is, where it came from, and whether it still supports you.
After survival comes belief. Choose carefully what you believe, and keep checking to see if it supports you throughout your life, in all and changing circumstances. Remember you get to choose.
