Many of you regular readers will notice that you haven’t had anything new to read here in months! It’s confession time for me. I am dealing with my success! Yes, it’s true! I have achieved the latest element in my long term goal of going to college. It’s a goal that has been on my list for many years and now it has come to fruition.
Remember earlier this year, I told you that I was applying to go to college, now that my children are older and more independent? Well, I’ve been accepted into the college of my choice here in Dublin. I am thrilled. I am proud of myself. I’m even a bit gobsmacked that I’ve been accepted (old bad habits die hard!), but I have!
All my time since February has been college related. Not just on my own account, I should say, but this family is just at a college-phase of our existence. My daughter was busy submitting projects, studying for finals and then, in May, sitting her finals. My son was busy planning his college path and making his applications, based on how his exams go (they are ongoing - so fingers crossed) and I have been applying, doing aptitude tests, interviews and then waiting… and waiting … and waiting … until finally I got the letter that said “We are pleased to inform you …”
I’m struck daily by the difference in the way school leavers and mature students approach the idea of college. Firstly, when I was applying, I got a terrible fear of “What if I don’t get a place?” But my daughter, who’s been through it all, said simply “They you’ll apply again next year”. It had felt like a do-or-die issue to me, until she made me see that, while there is a lower age limit for mature students (23 in this case) - there is no upper age limit. I need have no fear that my time was running out!
I wrote a letter accepting the place. I asked my daughter if she thought I had given enough information. She smiled and told me that a school-leaver would have said - “Yes thanks, I’ll take the place” - whereas I said “Thank you for the offer of a place. If you need any more information please contact me at home (number) on my mobile (number) or at this e-mail (address).” And I signed off with “Looking forward to seeing you in September”.
Attitudes on exams also differ. My childrens’ exams give them the feeling that they are somehow being personally judged in their exams, whereas at this stage of my life I see them more as useful benchmarks of progress (or lack of) and I know that - win, lose or draw - life goes on after exams. I am not my work. It is just one expression of who I am.
A friend of mine told me: “Mature students always sit at the front of the class. They really appreciate being there. They want to see and hear everything that goes on.”
I agreed.
She said: “But, sitting at the front, you don’t see the people behind you. When you put your hand up to ask your very interesting question at 12.50pm, you don’t see the murderous looks of your classmates who were watching the minutes till lunchtime ticking slowly by!”
Apparently that’s one of the quickest ways to lose friends in college! So now I know.
I could keep on rambling on here about my college hopes, dreams and realities, but then this blog would never end. All I will say is that from Sept/Oct, I will no longer be actively pursuing my life coaching business.
This blog may continue. Or maybe someone will pay me to blog on the experiences of a mature student? Who know? My future awaits me!
Maybe I should say “give yourself a GOOD talking to”! What’s your inner voice saying to you most of the time? Is it saying: “I’m a truly wonderful human being” or “I am worthwhile” or “I’m always good enough”? I’m guessing that, most of the time, it’s more likely to be “Oh no, I failed again” or “Loser” or “What can I do/say/think in order to be accepted and loved?”
I’m a life coach, not a psychologist, so I can’t tell you why we do it, but as a member of the human race I can vouch for the fact that we definitely do it. Here in Ireland, maybe we even have an extreme habit of doing this. Our historically Catholic ethos does not promote our ability to be proud of ourselves, congratulate ourselves or speak confidently of our own achievements.
So with that sort of background and schooling, I’m guessing that most of you know the kind of self-talk that I’m getting at here. Fair enough. But what can we do about it? In my life coaching business, I regularly come across people who are very keen on positive thinking, affirmations, visualisations etc. Great. Great for about the 20 minutes that you are doing your affirmations/visualisations etc. What about the other 23hrs 40mins of the day? Hmmmm?
Here’s where I’ve got to so far. I started out doing yoga when I was about twenty. I thought it would change my life. I enjoyed doing it. I loved meeting other people who were interested in yoga. But it didn’t change my life.
Years later I trained in massage and aromatherapy. I thought “This is it! This will change my life.” I loved/love being a massage/aroma therapist. It’s very fulfilling. It’s part of who I am. Helping people is what I enjoy. It didn’t change my life.
I studied Life Coaching. Now - if ever there was something that would change my life - this would be it! I trained and practise now as a life coach, helping clients, blogging and writing an e-newsletter. I LOVE it. I get great feedback from readers and clients. It didn’t change my life.
When I started learning/studying NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) I began to see what was going on in my life. I read books by Richard Bandler, John Grinder, Michael Neill, Paul McKenna, Owen Fitzpatrick and Brian Colbert, among others and these writers helped me to make sense of my life so far. Things that fall into the “DO” category, do not change my life. They are actions I take in my life. I can use them to help me make positive changes. But they are not the changes, they are just the tools.
Things that fall into the “BEING” category, are the ones that change everything. When the things that I DO are in tune with the person that I AM, then my life starts to flow in a way that no amount of training can achieve. I am very proud of all that I have studied and achieved (although even being so proud of myself took years and lots of positive self-talk), but most of all I am proud of the person that I am. That is who I am 24hrs of the day. So, while I may spend time visualising, time meditating, time doing positive affirmations, the most useful thing I can do is to tell myself, 24/7 that I am loved, that I am worthwhile and that I am always good enough, just as I am.
Try telling yourself that, 24 hours a day for even a week, and see how you feel. You’ll sleep better, feel more relaxed and more positive about each new day.
Some schools are receiving the results of their “mocks” this week, so tread carefully around the teens in your family. You don’t need the advice of a Life Coach to know that!
How do we find the right balance of things to say? We want to encourage and support our kids, but we don’t want to be so soft on them that they don’t get to grips with the reality of facing the end of their school career and the beginning of the next phase of their development. We’re all afraid that, by being too gentle on them, we may fail to help them cope with the normal disappointments and knocks that every life is prone to.
I tend to err on the side of stepping back and looking at the fact that life continues after exams, one way or the other. The proof is that millions of people are doing it, and have done it for generations. I can point to my parents and to myself and husband as the most immediate examples that, for good or bad, the end of school - while significant - is not the end of life as we know it.
This post is not a “How to understand your teens” or a “10 steps to guiding your children to success” because I don’t have the answers for you. You have. I am busy working my way through it for myself. All I can suggest to you, from my own experience, is:
do a lot more listening than talking
assume the best about your kids - it gives them something positive to live up to
use the phrase “how do YOU feel about that?” in place of telling them exactly how you feel yourself
remind them that no exam changes how you feel about them
tell them you love them, don’t assume they “just know” it
tell them again
and again
and again
…
and remember - you, as the responsible adult, have seen many things come and go, so you can afford to be philosophical and know that - this too will pass!
Procrastination is a state of mind that’s a bit like the twilight zone. It’s a behaviour we all know, to some extent. I found this clip today and, sad to say, it is something I TOTALLY understand! Ah, stuff! And getting it done! If you’re a procrastinator, you probably looked at the clip and thought - “That’s really funny”. But why is it funny? Let me tell you - it’s funny because you understand it, because you’ve been there, and because - if you’re watching the clip - then you are watching the animation instead of “getting stuff done”!
We all drag any number of things and actions (always useful and essential things and action, I want to stress) into our day, in place of getting done the things we had actually set out to do in the first place. We have the clean desk, the anti-bac wiped phone and keyboard, the re-sharpened pencils in their holder, the felt tips all tested and the old ones binned … need I go on? You probably have your own favourite.
For me, as a parent, I can always find a “family” reason why I didn’t get my blog post written. I had to collect my daughter from the station, I had to drop my son to guitar class, I had to shop for the dinner etc. These are all blessed with the special category of “family”, therefore I cannot be blamed for doing them before writing my blog.
What’s really going on here? Yep, I’m trying to justify NOT doing something I’ve already committed to doing. Beyond that, what’s the story? Well - is the thing I’m avoiding necessary? To whom? In what way? To whose benefit? One possibility is that it’s not something I really want to do at all. If that’s the case, why am I doing/avoiding it? Does it comply with my role in some way? (e.g. is it so I’ll be seen as a good/better businesswoman/coach/worker or - dare I say it - person)? Maybe it’s not something I need to be doing at all.
Or is it something I want to do, in order to have it done, but don’t enjoy the doing of it? What can I do? Maybe I can delegate? Maybe I can do turn-and-turn-about with a colleague/neighbour? Maybe I can offer to exchange my skill in some other area, with someone who has skills in my area of procrastination?
Finally, it may be something I want to do, I need to do it and, in the circumstances, I’m the only one who can do it. At this point, the easiest path is acceptance. “Ok, I have to do this. I don’t enjoy it, but I will enjoy the benefits of having it done. So - as Brian Tracy might say - “Eat that Frog!” Just bite the bullet and do it. Pick the nastiest, most put-off job and start with that. You will feel such a sense of satisfaction and - yes - self-righteous pride when you have it done, that it will make you look forward to the next challenge with more enthusiasm and less procrastination than you have before.
Now I have a frog called “ironing” that I have to go and eat!
I’m a person who likes to be useful, to be needed. In my own family I would feel positively unloved if I thought my parents, siblings, children, even nieces and nephews - couldn’t rely on me for support and comfort. I don’t quite hijack people in order to help them, but sometimes it comes close!
It’s no surprise then that I’m involved in an area of work that requires me to be of help and support to people. However, as in my personal life, I do draw the line at hijacking people in order to help them.
I was talking to a fellow Toastmaster recently who didn’t know a lot about life coaching, but knew it was becoming a bit of a buzz word. She asked me if I thought she needed coaching. When I asked her how her life was, she said it was fine. She is a wonderfully positive, kind, generous, organised and generally (it seems to me) a very happy woman. I said “What on earth would you need a life coach for?”
It got me thinking about my profession, life coaching. There is a danger out there that people are being encouraged to believe that their lives are unfulfilled, that there is something missing, that they’re not achieving what they might. In order to “sell” the idea of life coaching, there is a more hardline approach of selling the idea that people need it. Clearly this is true in many cases, but certainly not all.
In my line of work, my aim is for my clients NOT to need me! That is the goal of my life coaching. I want them to see that they have control of, and responsibility for, their own lives and choices. I applaud the client who contacts me for coaching when they are in a phase where they need (or would benefit from) a coach; when they want a non-judgemental, supportive person who can question, coax, comfort and challenge them through that phase. I’m delighted when it becomes obvious to both of us that they no longer require regular sessions.
I would not be helping them, or my profession, if I were to hang on to them as a client simply to be my meal ticket. Or if I had attracted them in the first place by convincing my customers that their lives were unfulfilled, just so that I could help them to fulfill imaginary gaps in their lives.
I suggest that people consider life coaching as they would any other trade or profession. When you need a plumber, you call a plumber. When your pipes are fixed, you don’t keep arranging to meet the plumber. When you need a lawyer, you hire one. When your legal requirement is dealt with, you say “Thanks very much” and “Goodbye”. I realise that, even in these professions, there are doomsayers who would try to convince you that you do need more lagging for your pipes, more insulation, to sue your neighbour, to claim against the council etc. You can’t stop this type of marketing, but you can be aware of it.
Immediately I have to step in on my own conversation at this point and declare that I know that most coaches (and other professionals) do not do this. However, you will all be aware of the growing number of ads, e-mails, flyers etc. that try to convince the reader that there is something wrong with the way they are right now. That may not be the case. There is much you can do to help yourself. There are books, CDs, DVDs, free workshops and webinars, all of which can help you “self-coach” (which is something we do every day of our lives, I believe).
Then if, or when, you feel you need an ally, a support, a life coach - that’s the time to investigate who suits you and what programme will help you.
Sorry for having a bit of a rant, but it’s something I feel strongly about in my work. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I wish all of my readers a very happy, healthy and joyful new year for 2010. The capacity for joy and happiness exists within all of us.
Portmarnock Beach
It is like a rich seam of gold that can be ignored and left undetected for years, hidden out of sight. At any time, we can decide to uncover that treasure in all its glory and use it for our own good and that of our neighbours and the world.
I’m looking at what new levels of “treasure-hunting” I can get up to this year. I am freshly accredited with NLP Life Coaching skills from the Irish Institute of NLP, building on my existing six years of coaching and NLP qualifications. I have my website and blog up and running, newsletters going out regularly (sign up if you want to be included), have completed my first four Toastmasters speeches, got the job of Sgt-at-arms in my local Toastmasters club, have exhibited my art in various local venues with the Portmarnock Art Group, have finished my coaching with the Jack Canfield coaching organisation and have been co-founder of a Skype mastermind group (with members in Spain, Germany, Ireland, and others joining from Switzerland this year, we hope) arising from the Canfield coaching programme.
This all sounds like blowing my own trumpet and - y’know what? - it is! Try it! It’s good for the soul! It took me most of my year with Canfield to learn to acknowledge my achievements, allow myself to take credit for my hard work and just rewards and to learn to plan for more successes in my future.
So I’m recommending that you start your year with a nice long list of all your achievements/successes in 2009. What a great way to head into a new year. And let me remind you that often the things that you take for granted are really successes. For instance, what if you stay at home to care for an elderly or sick relative? You might think - well, I don’t go out to work, so I’m not really achieving anything. Wrong!! You can write down as achievements: caring, nurturing, sharing, nursing, showing love, supporting, helping, organising. You can write down as skills you have: patience, caring, love, willingness to help, interest in others, using your strength to ease others weakness, compassion and understanding.
Start now. Write down lists and lists of achievements, successes. Don’t try to categorise them or rate them. They are all valid. In my personal life I often find that at the end of a day, my greatest success might have been to show understanding and a listening ear to my teenage son, when I might really feel like screaming at him instead! Any of you with kids will know that this is a REAL achievement!!
I’d love to hear how you get on with this. You are my readers, my clients, my supporters. Without you there would be no reason for me to write this. It’s a two way street. If you have something to say, tell me.
For now I leave you with my best wishes again, for your health, happiness and the uncovering of great “seams” of joy in your life for 2010.
I often read self-help books (no kidding?!) and many of them talk about compassion and forgiveness. There is an emphasis on the fact that, if we do not have forgiveness and compassion we cannot move forward with our lives. I agree. Much of the baggage we bring (let’s face it - drag) with us from our pasts, is an accumulation of unforgiven acts or words, and a lack of compassion or understanding of how things were then.
“If I had only said that, or hadn’t said what I did say”
“If only I had told them”
“If only I could have let go my hurt and moved on”
“If they only knew how hurt I felt”
my life would have been, or now would be so much better.
What is the advantage to us of holding onto the hurts of the past? Is it to avenge ourselves on someone? To hope that they will feel the hurt we did and somehow understand how much we suffered? In reality - after the event - who is left hurting? We are. Not the “perpetrator” of the “crime”.
And where does that leave us? What role is left for us to play?
That’s right - if we’re not the “perp” then we must be the victim!
I bet none of us wants to land that role! We can readily point to friends/acquaintances whom we see as being victims. We pride ourselves on not being that type at all. Never!
During my coaching last year I was, on one occasion, horrified to hear my own coach refer to certain of my behaviours as “victim”. I was angry with her and refused to believe her at all. Of course, very soon I had that sneaking little feeling that I was only angry with her because I feared it was true. It was like a slap in the face for me, but a well-intentioned one and eventually I was grateful for it.
I’m not suggesting that we need to trawl back over our past lives and try to reverse or forgive every act from the past, but I am all for starting from right now. If I can start from right now, to be compassionate and understanding of myself, then I am in a better place to leave hurts behind and move on with my life.
The first and most important forgiveness has to be for ourselves. If I spend the next period of my life not forgiving myself for the baggage I’ve carried from my earliest years, I’m just giving myself all the same grief all over again! Stop it! Stop it now!
Let’s try - at the end of each and every day - to take a moment to show ourselves forgiveness and compassion. You could devise a little mantra for yourself, like “I forgive myself for any hurts I may have caused myself or others during this day, and I forgive others who may have hurt me today”. Or something like that. After a week of not dragging little hurts and conflicts with us, how will we feel?
I’ve just been reading an article that confirms what we all know already - laughing really makes us feel good. And if we feel good, it improves our health. I’m not saying that laughter is a cure for disease, but it makes us feel better no matter what we are going through, whether they are mental, physical or emotional issues.
Here’s a clip that was sent to me on Twitter (I’m “MegaPotential” on Twitter) who tweets under the name of “SellingGenius“. It made me laugh out loud. Y’know - some days when I’m trying to get myself in a better frame of mind and stop listening to my little inner voice (not the good one!) I need that “Stop it!” for myself. I expect it might have limited use in my coaching practice though!!!
Watch out for “SoundBites of Self Development” on Twitter. Some days it would be great just to have those few words of encouragement, or support for what you’re doing. I’m hoping that Twitter will facilitate that. I can broadcast a message (or send one privately) just 140 characters long. Just long enough for a sentence or two of help or of interest.
Yes, I’ve done it! I’ve decided to try out the phenomenon that is Twitter. If you have any hints, please let me know, because I’m a newbie. My hope is that this may be a way to have a wordwide converstation about self development, NLP, personal development and all things life-coach related.
I attended a lunchtime seminar on Wednesday. Yesterday I set up my profile “MegaPotential“. Sounds flashy, but basically LifePotential, YourPotential, MyPotential were all gone, and I thought WHAT could be left? So - MegaPotential it is!
Already I have connected to a coach in the States -Beth Banning - whose goal is to “offer ideas that promote conscious conversation, inspire conscious action, and create a more conscious world.”
I liked the sound of that so I’m “following” her. I can search for terms like “self development” and scan through all the people who tweet on self improvement issues. For me, it’s like if I wanted to ask something from a group of friends and I stood up in the group and asked my question, or made my statement. With Twitter - the world is my group of friends. When I send a short message, or ask a question, I’m standing up in front of the world and asking for response.
I like the fact that, whereas FaceBook, Bebo, etc. are about linking all your friends and family, Twitter is about finding new friends. I can have conversations with like-minded people all over the globe without having to meet them or know them first. Maybe I will meet up with some of them, someday. Who knows?
So watch out for Soundbites of Self Development, and if I get any from anyone else that are worth passing on, I shall “ReTweet” them.
I’m reliably informed that the term “Self Development” ranks highly in Google search word terms. Good. I think that’s great. Not from a life coaches blogging perspective, but from the point of view of an impressive number of people searching for help with their self development. I do it myself, and I’m proud to say so.
In Ireland we have a rather suspicious approach to needing help. Giving help - we’re great at that. But getting help - that’s not so easy to ask for. I think it’s something to do with the notion that, if we need to get help, first of all something must be wrong and secondly it means we have failed to cope with it ourselves. Maybe it’s an insular thing? Maybe to do with island people having to cope on their own? I don’t know.
I have been helping myself and others to improve our lives for as many years as I can remember. It manifested itself in my twenties when I trained to be a yoga teacher, and continued through training over the years in massage, aromatherapy, Reiki, coaching and NLP to where I am today.
Did self-development start when I was in my twenties? No, but perhaps that was when I noticed that I could be active, rather than passive, about my development. For most of my twenties I suffered appalling panic-attacks. I would have the tight-chested pain, dizziness, sweating, clammy skin, racing heart and be convinced that at any moment I would die. For eight or nine years I suffered this to varying degrees, always thinking that it was just me and that there was no one who could help me. I developed many coping strategies, which I suppose was “enforced” self-development (sounds a bit paradoxical).
When other things in my life at the time caused me to seek help, I was amazed at how the simple act of getting help was more powerful than I could have imagined.
Self development is called such simply because no one else can “do” our self development. But there are many people who can help us to do it for ourselves.
Since that time, I have regularly sought help in areas where I felt I needed outside expertise to make progress in my life and development. Sometimes it was a psychotherapist, other times a hypnotherapist or Reiki practitioner. But always I found that getting outside help gave me some new options, which I could not see for myself.
So, I feel that, whether or not “Self Development” is seen as the new “must have” or not, it doesn’t matter. We are all constantly developing ourselves, our attitudes, our beliefs, our behaviours, our personalities and our potential. We do it whether we plan it or not, whether we are aware of it or not and whether we like it or not. So why not make it a bit easier for ourselves. When we need help, why not seek it out and make the most of it, so that we can make the most of our lives?
