The start of a new year is always a good time for a start of something new. For me, February is the start of my year, since my birthday is in that month. So - even though the calendar year has already started, my year really is just coming to a close. And I’m planning my new one.
Ever since my children were small, I’ve promised myself that - when they were independent - I would go to college. When I was in my teens, and finished second-level school, college was not an option. There were five children in my family, and with college fees being extreme at that time, we all just left school and went job hunting. That is not a complaint, it was just a fact at that time, for me - and I’m sure - for many of you.
But now my children are relatively independent (my son is finishing in second-level school this summer) and it’s time for me to look at that long-held dream of going to college myself.
Of course, now that the dream becomes a possibility, I get terrified. What if they don’t want me? What if they don’t accept me? What if I’m not good enough? What if they reject me?
Here they are, creeping out of the woodwork of my soul - all the commonest fears and anxieties of every person I’ve ever met. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough (in someone else’s eyes). Fear. Fear. Fear.
Since attending the Mature Students Open Evening last week, the idea/dream of college has been on my mind, to some degree, every minute of every day. Yes, it has been unsettling. It’s been especially weird because my son, who is finishing school in June, is also applying to college - but as a school leaver.
So, what are our perspectives? Very different. He is looking out with the naivety of youth. He credits college with being the key to his future. That may be so. But it’s not the only one. I’m looking at it as the possibility to immerse myself in a subject or subjects that I have loved for years, to be able to study them without apology, to discuss them with like-minded people, to argue my point, to learn, to improve.
I can’t help but be struck by the differences in our approaches. As a school leaver, my son relies on the results of his State exams in June. To me that seems relatively simple, since he has to sit the exams anyway. I have to convince an admissions board that, having been out of the “normal” education system for many years, it will be worth their while to award me a place in their college.
My son thinks I have it easy. “All you have to do is write and tell them you want a place. I have to do all these exams!”
My retort is “All you have to do is submit a form, relate your choices to the results of exams you’d be sitting anyway! You don’t have to convince anyone. You don’t have to persuade, cajole, plead or make a case for your offer of a place in college. Easy, peasy, lemon-squeezy!!” (as he might have said years ago).
Then I start to think - “What if they turn me down?”.
I confided my fear to my daughter.
“Apply again next year” she said. The wisdom of youth!
Is it still self development if no one knows? Sounds a bit Zen-like, doesn’t it? Like - “If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?” If you’re working on your self development without telling anyone - will they notice?
Thing is - I think - once you are practising self-development sincerely, it won’t be possible for no one to know! If you are developing, of course people are going to know. On yesterdays teleseminar with Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup books, Success Principles etc.) his “homework” to us for the coming month is to do one simple thing, just choose one, and so it every day for the next 30 days, and see what the result.
Obviously he means do something good and positive for yourself and/or others. For instance he has committed to getting a full 8 hours sleep every night, come what may, for the 30 days. Other suggestions might be:
Show gratitude (verbally, e-mail, SMS etc.) to 10 people every day for 30 days
Phone someone you’ve lost touch with, or have been meaning to phone (just one person a day) for 30 days
Tell someone you love - that you love them. This is an obvious and easy one, but I know that lots of us assume that people know we love them. TELL them so, for 30 days
Congratulate/appreciate yourself in some way. Sometimes just pausing and telling ourselves we are worthwhile is enough. Treat yourself to a short walk in the fresh air, a chat with a friend, a 5-minute lie on in bed. Just pick something that means something to you. It doesn’t have to cost anything. It doesn’t have to take long.
Now - back to my original theme. Do you think that, if you were to implement any one of these for 30 days, there would be no noticeable difference in you? Would people notice a change in your behaviour? Might you appear more relaxed if you had had a month of appreciating yourself, your friends, your work colleagues, getting enough rest, any of these things?
I’m betting that everyone close to you, and probably people who didn’t even know you that well, would see a change in your attitude. Because that’s where it would show. You can’t remain lacking in confidence if you are telling yourself every day that you’re worthwhile, and showing that appreciation of yourself in some way. You’ll be seen as the chirpiest person in the office if you’re constantly thanking colleagues when appropriate. And just how much will relationships with all your loved ones improve, if you tell them that you love them, everyday for the next 30 days.
I’m not claiming credit for Jack Canfield’s suggestion, but I do think that it perfectly illustrates what I’ve been getting at here today. I believe that when you embark on any element of self-development, no matter how small an act it might be, the ripple effect can be very powerful.
It seems, from responses to the blog and newsletter, that confidence building is high on everyone’s list of priorities. I’m right there with you. I think confidence is something we’re born with, and it grows and diminishes with different events/cycles in our lives. If you’re lucky you’ve had confidence boosting parents and siblings, teachers, church leaders, friends, classmates, colleagues, bosses etc. (you get the picture - the list is endless). So with such a list, I’m guessing most of us have had knocks to our natural confidence.
Inside our heads we all have an idea, or picture, of how we look as confident people. Otherwise we would have nothing to measure our lack of confidence against. When I ask someone to visualise themselves as a confident person and they say they can’t see it - it’s not true! Sounds harsh maybe, and I would not come right out and say “You’re not telling the Truth. You Are Confident!” But pause for a second and listen.
First of all how do you know you lack confidence? Somewhere inside your head you do have a picture of what confidence is, what it means, and how it would feel to be like that. Otherwise you wouldn’t know that you don’t have it. See? To know you’re missing it, you have to know what it is and what it looks/feels/acts like.
That’s a fantastic start. So you DO know what confidence is/feels like/looks like. Great! Now you know what you’re working towards. Maybe you just haven’t connected with it for a long time. It’s time to start.
Listen to what Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul book series, The Success Principles and many more inspiring books) has to say about it. What do you think?
1. Stop doing it to yourself. What do I mean by that? Well, if you’re looking for 5 ways to boost your self-esteem, you must feel that it needs boosting. Which means that, somewhere in your mind, there is a tiny voice telling you you have low self-esteem. This seems like a bit of a catch 22 situation, doesn’t it. But the important thing is to focus on how much self-esteem you already have. Start looking for all the things you have already done brilliantly, succeeded at, achieved. A good way to acknowledge (mainly to yourself) your successes is to journal them. Every night, to wind up your day on a positive note, jot down all the successes you have had during the day. You’re not allowed note the things you didn’t succeed at. Nor are you allowed to look negatively at what you did achieve (i.e. If you walked two miles for your daily exercise, but had hoped to walk farther, your journal should say “I walked two miles as part of my commitment to my increasing good health and fitness” and not “I walked two miles, but really I wanted to walk three but I didn’t have the time …”. How you look at your achievements, both past and ongoing, is a major contributor to your sense of self-esteem.
2. Change your self-talk. As a continuation of part of point 1, start to notice what your inner voice is saying to you most of the time. Is it positive and encouraging, or is it harsh and critical? Most of us have a little critic that lives in our heads telling us constantly when we are not good enough, not measuring up. Change it. I don’t care whether you visualise bright rays of sunlight melting away the critical voice, or whether you imagine the little voice as a person that you then say goodbye to. You created the little voice (I agree you had help from parents, teachers, “friends”, critics of all sorts) over all the years of your life. But if you created it - you can change it. It’s yours. Take charge of it. Turn it around. Make it work FOR you from this moment on.
3. Find someone you admire and copy their attitude. When you want to learn something new, what do you do? If you’re like me, you rush out and buy a book. Good place to start. Read up on the theory. Then when you have covered all the theory, what’s the best thing you can do? Find someone who does it well, and copy what they do. Now, hold on. I don’t mean stalk them! I mean observe them. If it’s someone that you know, ask them. “I really admire the way you seem so confident when you …” (give that speech, make that presentation, whatever). I’d like to talk to you about that because I’d really like to be able to do that in my life (or business, or presentation, or whatever)”. If it’s a famous person, see if they’ve written autobiographies, or books about their particular skills. It’s the next best thing to asking them face to face.
4. Stretch yourself. Take some action that moves you out of your comfort zone. If the zone you’re in is not filled with self-confidence, begin to stretch yourself outside that zone to increase the amount of self-esteem you have. It may be scary, uncomfortable and unnerving. That’s ok. That feeling will pass as soon as this new area becomes familiar to you. Everywhere is going to seem new at first. Try to think of it as an exciting new place to go. Think of it as a great new holiday destination. You haven’t been there before, but you know people who have and you just know it’s going to be great!
5.Surround yourself with confident people. Get yourself involved with people who have the type of self-confidence that you want for yourself. You will find that you will raise your expectation for yourself. It will seem more normal to you to have a higher level of self-esteem. Think of the opposite. Is it going to help you to hang around with other people who need to build their confidence? No. Because you’re not going to see it, how are you going to learn it? See it. Do it. Be it. And at every step of the way, do like in step 1. keep track of all the successes you have as you progress towards unshakeable self-esteem.
I’m delighted to have my Ice Breaker speech over with. Because the weather here was bad (good night for an ice-breaker! Ha! Ha!), there was only a small number of members at the Toastmasters club. But - for me - it didn’t matter how few or how many, the challenge was to stand up in front of the group and make my first speech. It can be 5-7 minutes long and the subject is usually - yourself.
So I spoke about being the middle child in my family, and how that impacted on me as a child. I was trying to give out a bit of information about myself, but without getting into boring details. So I tried to make it like a bit of a story. I was very nervous sitting waiting for my turn to get up to the lectern, and was glad when it came to my turn to speak. Also, in our Toastmasters club (perhaps it’s standard throughout the organisation?) the lower stages of speeches are made first. That way I didn’t have to stand up to speak after a more advanced speaker, which was just as well since the following speakers were really good. That’ll be me someday.
If you’re wondering how to improve your self-confidence, or your ability to face a group and speak, I can’t recommend anything better than Toastmasters. It is supportive, positive, educational and there is a wealth of experienced speakers to draw on for advice and guidance. Stop putting it off. Go do it!
The time has come. Tonight I make my Toastmaster’s Ice-Breaker speech. That means it will be the first speech I make at my Toastmasters club, since I joined last September. With the weather looking none too good, it may be a very small audience to hear it!
I joined Toastmasters after hearing about it yyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaarrrrrrss ago from a friend of mine. She joined way back in 19?? and recommended it to me then. It always sounded like a good idea, but I constantly have a list of things that I think are a good idea. It doesn’t mean I will necessarily get around to any or all of them… ever! But this one finally came to pass because I decided it was high time I got over my anxiety about standing up in front of groups of people and speaking to them. I’m great at the one-to-one, but have some difficulties translating that into speaking to groups.
Also, last year, when I started the Jack Canfield Success Principles coaching, my breakthrough goal was/is to increase my self-belief and confidence. The breakthrough goal is defined as the one goal that, if you achieve it, it will have a huge impact on every other goal you have or set. For me, increasing my belief in my own skill, abilities, learning and intuition was what I identified as the biggest breakthrough I could make.
As part of that, it came back to my mind that my friend had recommended Toastmasters to me years ago. I thought it was a good place to start, since its whole focus is standing up and making speeches in front of people. My experience so far has been very positive and it already benefitting me and helping me towards my goal.
The atmosphere at Toastmasters is one of welcome and support. From the moment I attended my first meeting I was greeted warmly and given lots of information about the group and its work. Members were friendly and I was never left to feel isolated or on-the-fringe. I found the evening very inclusive, but I was assured that guests were not called on to speak, but could answer topics if they felt the urge. I didn’t! But within a couple of months I was asked if I would like to do Poet Master (which is to select a poem and to read it at a Toastmasters meeting, and to say a few words about the poet and why I chose the poem.
The support and goodwill at meetings is such that I found myself agreeing, and even looking forward to it. I have since done Poet Master again, and tonight I will do my Ice-Breaker speech. Wish me luck!
I’m sitting waiting for the web designer to phone so that we can finalise the look and feel of my new website and blog. Soon I will be blogging for real, and not just for myself. It’s a bit daunting. After all - someone might read it - and learn something about me that I didn’t realise I had displayed. A friend of mine already reads my newsletters and says that, for her, she finds out more about me by my writing than she does about the articles in the newsletter. Hmmm. So this could just be a public humiliation exercise? Well, I won’t know till I try.
I haven’t told you before, but I joined Toastmasters in September. I really needed to get over my anxiety about speaking in front of a group. I’m fine on the old one-to-one, but I’ve a certain fear of standing up in front of people, being watched, and trying to put words together that sound better than “Hi, I thting’d jdfioej difj enkerjiem mmmmmmmmm.†Bet you didn’t know I knew that language??
I’ve already done Poetmaster once, and am doing it again tonight. I’ve chosen a poem by David Whyte called “Everything is Waiting for Youâ€. You can hear David talking about this poem and reciting it here
Don’t mind about the images, it’s the words and the sound of David Whyte’s voice, reading his own work, that is compelling.
Well, so far I have displayed my self-doubt and stuggling-perfectionist issues for all the world to see. I have passed on gems of wisdom I have picked up from my own coach. And all that by 15th January!
Today I’m going to share with you that most precious gift of humanity - laughter. I don’t know if you guys know Eddie Izzard the comedian? But this is a sketch he does about the canteen on the Death Star (if you’re not a Star Wars fan - you’re already lost).
Have a laugh. And if you want to see how some clever kid made a Lego film to go with the dialogue of this, have a look at this
