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Thursday, June 17th, 2010
 College, here I come!
Many of you regular readers will notice that you haven’t had anything new to read here in months! It’s confession time for me. I am dealing with my success! Yes, it’s true! I have achieved the latest element in my long term goal of going to college. It’s a goal that has been on my list for many years and now it has come to fruition.
Remember earlier this year, I told you that I was applying to go to college, now that my children are older and more independent? Well, I’ve been accepted into the college of my choice here in Dublin. I am thrilled. I am proud of myself. I’m even a bit gobsmacked that I’ve been accepted (old bad habits die hard!), but I have!
All my time since February has been college related. Not just on my own account, I should say, but this family is just at a college-phase of our existence. My daughter was busy submitting projects, studying for finals and then, in May, sitting her finals. My son was busy planning his college path and making his applications, based on how his exams go (they are ongoing - so fingers crossed) and I have been applying, doing aptitude tests, interviews and then waiting… and waiting … and waiting … until finally I got the letter that said “We are pleased to inform you …”
I’m struck daily by the difference in the way school leavers and mature students approach the idea of college. Firstly, when I was applying, I got a terrible fear of “What if I don’t get a place?” But my daughter, who’s been through it all, said simply “They you’ll apply again next year”. It had felt like a do-or-die issue to me, until she made me see that, while there is a lower age limit for mature students (23 in this case) - there is no upper age limit. I need have no fear that my time was running out!
I wrote a letter accepting the place. I asked my daughter if she thought I had given enough information. She smiled and told me that a school-leaver would have said - “Yes thanks, I’ll take the place” - whereas I said “Thank you for the offer of a place. If you need any more information please contact me at home (number) on my mobile (number) or at this e-mail (address).” And I signed off with “Looking forward to seeing you in September”.
Attitudes on exams also differ. My childrens’ exams give them the feeling that they are somehow being personally judged in their exams, whereas at this stage of my life I see them more as useful benchmarks of progress (or lack of) and I know that - win, lose or draw - life goes on after exams. I am not my work. It is just one expression of who I am.
A friend of mine told me: “Mature students always sit at the front of the class. They really appreciate being there. They want to see and hear everything that goes on.”
I agreed.
She said: “But, sitting at the front, you don’t see the people behind you. When you put your hand up to ask your very interesting question at 12.50pm, you don’t see the murderous looks of your classmates who were watching the minutes till lunchtime ticking slowly by!”
Apparently that’s one of the quickest ways to lose friends in college! So now I know.
I could keep on rambling on here about my college hopes, dreams and realities, but then this blog would never end. All I will say is that from Sept/Oct, I will no longer be actively pursuing my life coaching business.
This blog may continue. Or maybe someone will pay me to blog on the experiences of a mature student? Who know? My future awaits me!
Daria
Tags: achievement, Attitudes, Coaching, Fear, Goals
Posted in Career, Confidence, Life Coaching, Self Development, Self Esteem | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
 Marketing
I’m a person who likes to be useful, to be needed. In my own family I would feel positively unloved if I thought my parents, siblings, children, even nieces and nephews - couldn’t rely on me for support and comfort. I don’t quite hijack people in order to help them, but sometimes it comes close!
It’s no surprise then that I’m involved in an area of work that requires me to be of help and support to people. However, as in my personal life, I do draw the line at hijacking people in order to help them.
I was talking to a fellow Toastmaster recently who didn’t know a lot about life coaching, but knew it was becoming a bit of a buzz word. She asked me if I thought she needed coaching. When I asked her how her life was, she said it was fine. She is a wonderfully positive, kind, generous, organised and generally (it seems to me) a very happy woman. I said “What on earth would you need a life coach for?”
It got me thinking about my profession, life coaching. There is a danger out there that people are being encouraged to believe that their lives are unfulfilled, that there is something missing, that they’re not achieving what they might. In order to “sell” the idea of life coaching, there is a more hardline approach of selling the idea that people need it. Clearly this is true in many cases, but certainly not all.
In my line of work, my aim is for my clients NOT to need me! That is the goal of my life coaching. I want them to see that they have control of, and responsibility for, their own lives and choices. I applaud the client who contacts me for coaching when they are in a phase where they need (or would benefit from) a coach; when they want a non-judgemental, supportive person who can question, coax, comfort and challenge them through that phase. I’m delighted when it becomes obvious to both of us that they no longer require regular sessions.
I would not be helping them, or my profession, if I were to hang on to them as a client simply to be my meal ticket. Or if I had attracted them in the first place by convincing my customers that their lives were unfulfilled, just so that I could help them to fulfill imaginary gaps in their lives.
I suggest that people consider life coaching as they would any other trade or profession. When you need a plumber, you call a plumber. When your pipes are fixed, you don’t keep arranging to meet the plumber. When you need a lawyer, you hire one. When your legal requirement is dealt with, you say “Thanks very much” and “Goodbye”. I realise that, even in these professions, there are doomsayers who would try to convince you that you do need more lagging for your pipes, more insulation, to sue your neighbour, to claim against the council etc. You can’t stop this type of marketing, but you can be aware of it.
Immediately I have to step in on my own conversation at this point and declare that I know that most coaches (and other professionals) do not do this. However, you will all be aware of the growing number of ads, e-mails, flyers etc. that try to convince the reader that there is something wrong with the way they are right now. That may not be the case. There is much you can do to help yourself. There are books, CDs, DVDs, free workshops and webinars, all of which can help you “self-coach” (which is something we do every day of our lives, I believe).
Then if, or when, you feel you need an ally, a support, a life coach - that’s the time to investigate who suits you and what programme will help you.
Sorry for having a bit of a rant, but it’s something I feel strongly about in my work. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Tags: Coaching, Goals, Marketing, Toastmasters
Posted in Business Coaching, Human Behaviour, Life Coaching | 1 Comment »
Friday, December 18th, 2009
… any road will get you there. This is a quotation often attributed to Lewis Carroll - mistakenly. But it sounds good.
 Goal Setting
The actual text of Alice’s conversation with the Cheshire cat, from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland is:
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” asked Alice
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“–so long as I get SOMEWHERE,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”
This brought to mind, for me, how I deal (or don’t deal) with goal setting. We’ve talked about this before I know, but it’s an issue that comes up again and again for people. I’ve likened it to heading off in the direction of your destination, but without a map and just hoping that eventually you’ll end up where you want to go.
Listen, I have a very poor sense of direction and when I set off somewhere -even WITH a map - I often end up somewhere else! I dread to think where I’d be without one.
But when it comes to life goals, I’m in a dilemma. If I’m trying to live “in the now” how can I have long term goals? And - if I have goals, then how can I be living in the now?
As a mother I’ve become used to reacting to everyone elses’ needs, all day, everyday. That’s normal. You have to be able to respond to whatever situation crops up, often involving picking someone up unexpectedly, cleaning cuts and worse, and searching the household for something that can be used (always at the last minute) for a class project that you only find out about on the morning it has to be submitted!
So how can I turn this around? How can I set and achieve my own goals?
Well I’m proud to tell you I’ve started. As always, I’ve had to get to grips with goal setting in a small way first, before I can replicate it elsewhere. For me the key was firstly to acknowledge my previous successes. I had difficulty with that, I felt awkward and unworthy praising myself for things I expected to succeed at anyway. Perfectionist tendencies! But I’ve been working on that for more than a year now and I’ve made real progress.
The most useful change in my pattern was to start acknowledge my past successes, and beginning to feel proud of myself. Then I began to be able to look forward to setting new targets for myself, and praising myself for those successes. I suppose, up until that, there was no psychological “reward” for my achievements, so there was no joy in setting up new goals and targets.
This is an ongoing process, so - if I think about Alice (above) - I can see how I was always going somewhere, but without any direction there was a lot of energy spent getting places I wasn’t sure I wanted to go!
Tags: Change, Goals, New Year, Targets
Posted in Beliefs & Values, Career, Confidence, Life Coaching | No Comments »
Tuesday, October 20th, 2009
 Success
I’m always looking for the easiest way to do anything. If you tell me there is a long-drawn out process or an easy three step approach to doing something, or achieving a particular result - which one appeals to me? That’s right! I’m always going to take the 3-step approach! I don’t think I’m alone in this? I like to think it’s human nature. Perhaps it’s only my nature!
I know there are many of you that feel the same. This is for you. It’s not rocket-science. It’s not limited to those of us involved in life coaching. It’s for everyone. There is nothing difficult or complicated about these steps. But the simplicity is in the doing!
- Step 1: Be very clear on what, exactly, you want to achieve. That sounds like the simplest thing - and it is - but it’s the one that a lot of us overlook in our drive and enthusiasm to get the thing done, or the goal achieved. You need to be as specific as you can possibly be about your goal. For example, you might say “I want to lose weight“. That’s a goal - yes it is. But if you say “I’m going to weigh xxx lbs by 30th November 2009“, then you are setting up the expectation in your own mind and that will be what you’re subconscious will work away on for the weeks in between. It doesn’t mean that all you have to do is set the goal and do no work! It just means that the closer the focus, the easier it is to reach. Think of it like getting directions to somewhere. You stop on the road and ask someone “How do I get to ...?” Now, is it more useful for them to say “It’s about 10 miles away in that direction” or to say “Follow the road here for 8 miles, take a left at the bus station, continue for about 2 miles, past the garage, then it’s the second turn on the right - and there you are“??? I know which directions I’d find more useful!
- Step 2: Take action. Another obvious one. But I can tell you from my own experience that it’s often a lot easier to do all the planning and research than it is to take the action. But very little will happen without the action. It would be like (as in step 1) setting the goal for yourself, but never taking any action about it. If you think, or even plan, to - for example - lose weight, nothing is going to happen if you sit around, eating biscuits and drinking lattes while you PLAN to achieve the weight loss. It won’t happen till you DO SOMETHING about it.
- Step 3: Acknowledge your success. Congratulate yourself every little step of the way. Give yourself all the praise and validation you deserve for every little part of your goal that you achieve. Don’t wait until you reach the big, final goal. It’s too easy to give up before that if you feel disheartened. But if you keep feeling good about all the little triumphs along the way, it will keep you motivated to finish what you started.
That’s it! Three simple steps to achieving your goals. Give it a go. You’ve got nothing to lose (except a few lbs!!).
Tags: Goals, Motivation, Planning
Posted in Life Coaching, Motivation, Self Development | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, March 11th, 2009
What resolutions did you make for this year? How many of them are still on the go? How many have been shelved by about, oh I’m guessing, the end of January? Don’t hang your heads! It’s the most normal thing in the world. I’m going to share something with you. Some of my regular readers will know this already. It’s no secret. I don’t make New Year Resolutions. That’s right. Never. As far as I’m concerned every day of the year is the start of a new 12 month period. I don’t particularly hold January 1st in any special esteem. What I do love about Jan. 1st is watching the New Year’s Day concert from Vienna, Austria. I watch it on television every year. Have done since I was a kid. I love it. For me, New Years Day is about getting up on time to make a pot of tea and settle down to watch and listen to the concert. It transports me to that beautiful city, and begins my year with music, beauty and joy. And it costs me nothing but the licence fee.
But what of resolutions? I said that I don’t make New Year Resolutions, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t set goals for myself at any time of year. I’m trying Jack Canfield’s quarterly goal setting, this year. With it, I choose one important goal that will improve my life. I commit to forming the new habit over three months. By then it should be part of my normal way of doing things, I will have formed a new, positve habit. Then I choose a new one for the next quarter.
For this quarter I decided to improve my time-keeping. I have been a poor time keeper most of my life. Ask my sister. Ask anyone who has ever arranged to meet me at a precise time. I can even manage to be late when I give myself time to spare. Because if I have time to spare, I’ll try to cram in something else and still end up late for my appointment! So - for me - improving my time-keeping would be a major step forward
How have I been doing? Well, I’ve discovered that to be on time for things, I really need to think much farther ahead than I usually do. For instance, if I am due to meet you for lunch tomorrow, I have to start thinking about it today. Now, for those of you who are good time-keepers, this is no surprise. But for me, my logic was that - if it’s tomorrow that I’m meeting you, then tomorrow is when I’ll think about it. You’ve spotted where this is going. When tomorrow comes, I have too little time to decide where to meet, what to wear, whether to drive or take the train, how to also fit in my usual mom-tasks etc. So I used to end up rushing, last minute, no make-up, feeling flustered and hopeless and angry with myself for being late yet again.
Now I can’t say I’m excellent yet, but I’ve found out something important, which is relevant to New Year resolutions too. Forgiveness. This quarter is my time-keeping quarter. I’m making great improvements in my time management. But if I still end up late for an appointment, for some reason - I FORGIVE MYSELF. That’s the important part. I don’t beat myself up. I don’t negative-talk myself. I don’t say “Oh no. I’ve failed again. I knew I was no good at this. I can never be on time.”
What I DO say is - “I can see how it happened that I was late this time. I can use that knowledge so that next time I won’t be late. I’m doing the best I can and I’m proud of that.”
Tell me - what do you say to yourself when you slip up? If you’ve already dropped some of your resolutions, was it because after one slip you told yourself you had failed and there was no point in keeping it up? How much easier is it going to be to keep a resolution if you’re constantly encouraging and forgiving yourself?
Try it for yourself. Take one of your resolutions that has lapsed. Or one you’re struggling with. Start today. Make sure that it’s an achievable and desirable goal, put all your previous attempts behind you and begin afresh. Forgive yourself. Congratulate yourself for all the effort you’ve already put into it. Resolve to forgive yourself if you make any slip ups. Take it one day at a time. Let me know how you get on.
Tags: Forgiveness, Goals, Resolutions, Time Management
Posted in Beliefs & Values, Life Coaching, Motivation, Self Development | No Comments »
Monday, February 2nd, 2009
The time has come. Tonight I make my Toastmaster’s Ice-Breaker speech. That means it will be the first speech I make at my Toastmasters club, since I joined last September. With the weather looking none too good, it may be a very small audience to hear it!
I joined Toastmasters after hearing about it yyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaarrrrrrss ago from a friend of mine. She joined way back in 19?? and recommended it to me then. It always sounded like a good idea, but I constantly have a list of things that I think are a good idea. It doesn’t mean I will necessarily get around to any or all of them… ever! But this one finally came to pass because I decided it was high time I got over my anxiety about standing up in front of groups of people and speaking to them. I’m great at the one-to-one, but have some difficulties translating that into speaking to groups.
Also, last year, when I started the Jack Canfield Success Principles coaching, my breakthrough goal was/is to increase my self-belief and confidence. The breakthrough goal is defined as the one goal that, if you achieve it, it will have a huge impact on every other goal you have or set. For me, increasing my belief in my own skill, abilities, learning and intuition was what I identified as the biggest breakthrough I could make.
As part of that, it came back to my mind that my friend had recommended Toastmasters to me years ago. I thought it was a good place to start, since its whole focus is standing up and making speeches in front of people. My experience so far has been very positive and it already benefitting me and helping me towards my goal.
The atmosphere at Toastmasters is one of welcome and support. From the moment I attended my first meeting I was greeted warmly and given lots of information about the group and its work. Members were friendly and I was never left to feel isolated or on-the-fringe. I found the evening very inclusive, but I was assured that guests were not called on to speak, but could answer topics if they felt the urge. I didn’t! But within a couple of months I was asked if I would like to do Poet Master (which is to select a poem and to read it at a Toastmasters meeting, and to say a few words about the poet and why I chose the poem.
The support and goodwill at meetings is such that I found myself agreeing, and even looking forward to it. I have since done Poet Master again, and tonight I will do my Ice-Breaker speech. Wish me luck!
Tags: Beliefs, Coaching, Confidence, Goals, Toastmasters
Posted in Career, Confidence, Motivation, Self Development | 1 Comment »
Thursday, January 22nd, 2009
You know what? I’ve been avoiding mentioning “goalsâ€, “resolutionsâ€, “targets†etc. since the start of the year, because they don’t relate to only the start of theyear. And anyway, the “start of the year†is just a question of how you count time in days, months and years. Throughout history people have altered the way we count time. Even this year we had a “ leap second†at New Year, in order to keep our clocks in line with the orbit of the earth. It’s not an exact science and every now and then we need to make adjustments. So - just because New Year currently falls between months called December and January - it’s just the current state of affairs. It might change again. Who knows?
Standard New Year has never meant a lot to me in terms of looking back and looking forward. I can do that any day I choose. When I was a kid, I used to love hearing the foghorns from the boats in Dublin Bay, sounding to each other to ring in the new year, but that was the most special thing about that particular midnight. When I was older I used to enjoy going to a party that a friend held every new year’s eve in his family home. This party was such a tradition for so many people that - years after my friend had moved out of the family home into his own place - people would still turn up at his parents house for the party. It took quite a few years for the message to spread to all that the party was not on anymore.
Now I love to spend new year with my family, just being at home, appreciating everything I have - the love of my family, the joy of our being together and the warmth and peace of spending time with them. I require nothing more than that on a New Year’s Eve. It completes my year, and gives me hope for the great unknown that is the future.
Cheers!
Tags: Family, Goals, Resolutions, Targets
Posted in Confidence, Human Behaviour, Motivation, Self Development | No Comments »
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