Have you ever considered laughter as a means of self development? It’s not what springs to mind. The first things I think of are meditation, affirmation, reflection, journaling etc. But what about this - there was a professor on the radio recently, being interviewed on the health benefits of laughter - a really, good, long, loud belly laugh. It got me thinking about how I feel after a good laugh. Even if I’m in a negative mood when I start laughing, it’s just impossible to stay negative while laughing heartily.
I find I happen to agree with the professor wholeheartedly. I believe that, no matter what our situation, our mood or our level of self development, a good laugh is going to anchor us in the here and now better than any amount of meditating or chanting could do. It is immediate, it is urgent and it causes an instant release of tension in the body.
So, apart from the self development work you are already benefiting from, I hope that, having watched the clip above, you are also laughing so much you can hardly read this now!
If you’re anything like me, you have floor to ceiling bookcases filled with self development books, CDs and DVDs. You’re actively seeking out more information to help you with your growth and self development. Are you ever satisfied? Unlikely.
Choose your favourite self help, life coaching or self development book. You’ve probably read it many times and it’s looking well-thumbed by now.
Decide what in that book was the most useful thing you’ve ever read. Think about it. There will have been a page you were reading that just made perfect sense to you, and you probably thought - “That’s for me. I can do that. That will transform my life - if I can do it”.
Read it again. I know you’re raising your eyes to the skies and thinking - “I don’t really need to read it again. That might apply to everyone else, but not me. I know Jack Canfield, Richard Bandler, Hale Dwoskin, Owen Fitzpatrick etc. (insert your own favourite guru here!) by heart.” I’m telling you - read it again NOW!
Ask yourself what is it that appeals to you about that particular passage/page/chapter? What pictures does it bring to mind? Are you reading about Paul McKenna making you rich? Or Ekhart Tolle helping you to live “in the now”? Do you see yourself driving your dream car home to that magnificent home with the seven bathrooms? Or is it that you can feel the sea breeze blowing on your face as you stand in the prow of your beautiful yacht as you sail the Caribbean?
Envision yourself living as the book suggests. Mentally create as lifelike a picture as you can. It’s important to make the image of your dreams into the image of your reality by creating as clear a vision as you can. Give it all the details - sights, sounds, smells - the whole lot. The more you can see what you will see, hear what you will hear, feel what it will feel like, the better your mindset will be for beginning.
And finally, which is the heart of the matter, Take Action! Based on your life-like and life-size vision of your future, begin to work on whichever self development programme you have chosen. At every step of the way, stop and reinforce that vision you have created in your mind and use it to strengthen your determination and inspiration to complete the work you set yourself.
I picked up a book the other day. It was one from my stack of self-help or personal development books that I work my way through when I have the time. I don’t know why - but I stopped and asked myself -
“Now why do I do that? Why do I keep reading self-help books? Am I not “helped” enough by now? Have I not learned enough? I thought I believed that I have all the answers for my own self and my own life! If that’s true - why am I still looking for help?”
I realised that the reason that I read that kind of book is not to learn something new (though I regularly do learn new things). Because when I read them, I often find myself thinking “Yes, I agree with that” or “I knew that” and I regularly feel that it confirms what I already knew in some part of my being. Reading the inspiring, empowering books gives me permission to say to myself - “Yep, I knew that already.” It makes me feel good that I have worked out some stuff in my life and it resonates with other people (who have written about it already).
I like that. It feels good. So I will continue to read self-help, self-development books. I will continue to develop myself and acknowledge the great knowledge and insights I already have inside. And I will continue to find new and interesting information and insights in books written by others in the personal development arena.
Richard Bandler - one of the co-creators of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) has written a book called “Get the Life you Want”. In it Bandler has distilled many of the NLP tools that he uses himself, to help people to make positive changes in their lives.
Let me say straight away that Richard Bandler is not a sweet talkin’ guy. He’s a straight talkin’ guy. And whereas many self-help books tell you that they’ll let you in on secrets, and hitherto unknown techniques you can use, I often find that they weren’t secrets. They were things we all knew already, but presented in a new way.
Not so with this book. The exercises throughout the book are ones that have been specifically designed using NLP. The book is packed with hands on exercises that anyone can do to help themselves. There is a glossary at the back to explain some of the NLP terms, but I would advise you not to get hung up on the terminology. Read through it all. If you don’t understand it all, use the glossary. But - do yourself a favour - pick this book up believing it’s going to be easy.
By page 6 Bandler has introduced us to the submodalities, which is the sensory language we use to understand our world and organise our thoughts and feelings. We intake everything we experience, through our five senses. Then we file it away and it becomes our store of experiences. This is the file we access when we want to understand something new. How does it look compared to what I already know? How does it sound compared to what I already know? How does it taste, smell and feel?Becoming aware of how we interpret our world and make sense of it is the key to the exercises in the book.If something makes me “feel” sad, where in my body do I feel that feeling? Which way is the feeling moving in my body? What is my experience of the feeling of “sadâ€. It might seem a little odd, at first, for people with no experience of NLP. Most of us are not used to thinking of where we feel a feeling, or which way it moves, or what colour it is.
Bandler then focuses on how we view or “mentally code†time (timelines). When we think of a past event, where do we picture it? Behind us?To the left?The now - where do we picture it? Underneath our feet?Overhead?The future? Discovering how we represent Time is also a prerequisite of some of the exercises. This too can be used to change our view of past events, and our difficulties with current or future events. Bandler says:
“We think about time in certain ways. The images of the past will be in a different place than the images of the future. … The key is in learning how you can begin to change the way you think and feel about your past, present and future.”
This is all dealt with right at the beginning of the book, and for a very good reason. He uses the power of our submodalities and our timelines, in the exercises, to effect change in our feelings and behaviours. From the very beginning, every chapter has exercises to do straight away. There is no need for equipment, or meditation, or anything other than commitment to engage fully with the exercises. They are done in a step-by-step, simple, fluid way. There are no difficult instructions, or language or psycho-babble, just straight talking guidelines.
This is very much a hands-on type of book. Don’t just read it. That will be interesting enough, but the power lies in doing the exercises. They are easy to understand, once you’ve gotten used to the idea of the submodalities.
Like a lot of “exercise”, it may feel odd at the beginning. It might seem strange to be doing an exercise in “How to feel Wonderful” or “Changing bad feelings”, but that’s exactly what these exercises are designed to help you do.
It’s well worth getting used to the idea of submodalities right from the start, because you will see them repeated constantly throughout the book. Every exercise focuses on how we see, hear, feel, taste and smell everything in our world. The premise of the book is that the only thing that WE have the power to change is OUR view, OUR belief, OUR behaviour. Trying to change the other person, or the situation we’re in, is like trying to hold back the tide, or trying to change the world to suit our beliefs. But where we do have power is in changing our own view of, and interaction with, the world.
And that is the genius of this book.
It’s like, by learning to understand our own intrinsic language, we are learning to understand all the languages of the universe.
The sections of the book (that are crammed with practical exercises) are:
Getting Over: Bad suggestions; Fears and phobias; Bad memories; Grief; Bad Relationships; & Bad Decisions.
Getting Through: Habits and Compulsions; Recovery; Resignation; Big Events; Tests; & Obligations.
Getting To: Fun; Love; Meet People; Important Duties; Exercise; Be More Organized; Make More Money; & Make Big Decisions.
All this is done using exercises focusing on changing our submodalities, our feelings about events, and our choice of reaction to the events life presents us with. Bandler uses case histories (presumably with name changes) and stories to help us understand the changes in a subtle way. Ever since we were born, we listen to stories - the stories of our parents, our teachers, our friends; the stories of people we admire and want to be like; the stories that help us identify our values; the stories that become our deepest held beliefs. So Bandler is very cleverly using stories to help us access those beliefs and make the changes that are most useful for our lives.
There is also a free CD with some editions of this book (I now own two copies of the book - because firstly I bought the hardback that had no CD, and then I bought the paperback with free CD!). This is to help you access the part of your mind (your subconscious) that is responsible for making the changes at the deepest level. Don’t worry - it’s not hypnotic or trippy! It’s just relaxing and enjoyable. I listened to it in the evening, when I relaxed before bedtime. I found it easy to listen to and it complements the exercises in the book, but you don’t need to use it for the book to be effective.
At the back of the book, there is a Glossary of Terms, a list of Recommended Resources and some information about The Society of Neuro Linguistic Programming.
I love Bandler’s own view of the book:
“The lessons that I have presented in this book are nothing more than lessons in how to manage life. They are lessons in how to manage your thoughts, your feelings and your time, so that life becomes more wonderful. This isn’t a philosophy. This isn’t an ideology. It’s not a religion. It’s just a set of tools to make things easier. The easier you can make it inside your head, the easier it will make things outside your head. It will not only be easier for you but for those around you. It will allow you to live more happily.”
And that’s what this book is - a DIY guide to making your life more happy. Sounds good to me!
I often read self-help books (no kidding?!) and many of them talk about compassion and forgiveness. There is an emphasis on the fact that, if we do not have forgiveness and compassion we cannot move forward with our lives. I agree. Much of the baggage we bring (let’s face it - drag) with us from our pasts, is an accumulation of unforgiven acts or words, and a lack of compassion or understanding of how things were then.
“If I had only said that, or hadn’t said what I did say”
“If only I had told them”
“If only I could have let go my hurt and moved on”
“If they only knew how hurt I felt”
my life would have been, or now would be so much better.
What is the advantage to us of holding onto the hurts of the past? Is it to avenge ourselves on someone? To hope that they will feel the hurt we did and somehow understand how much we suffered? In reality - after the event - who is left hurting? We are. Not the “perpetrator” of the “crime”.
And where does that leave us? What role is left for us to play?
That’s right - if we’re not the “perp” then we must be the victim!
I bet none of us wants to land that role! We can readily point to friends/acquaintances whom we see as being victims. We pride ourselves on not being that type at all. Never!
During my coaching last year I was, on one occasion, horrified to hear my own coach refer to certain of my behaviours as “victim”. I was angry with her and refused to believe her at all. Of course, very soon I had that sneaking little feeling that I was only angry with her because I feared it was true. It was like a slap in the face for me, but a well-intentioned one and eventually I was grateful for it.
I’m not suggesting that we need to trawl back over our past lives and try to reverse or forgive every act from the past, but I am all for starting from right now. If I can start from right now, to be compassionate and understanding of myself, then I am in a better place to leave hurts behind and move on with my life.
The first and most important forgiveness has to be for ourselves. If I spend the next period of my life not forgiving myself for the baggage I’ve carried from my earliest years, I’m just giving myself all the same grief all over again! Stop it! Stop it now!
Let’s try - at the end of each and every day - to take a moment to show ourselves forgiveness and compassion. You could devise a little mantra for yourself, like “I forgive myself for any hurts I may have caused myself or others during this day, and I forgive others who may have hurt me today”. Or something like that. After a week of not dragging little hurts and conflicts with us, how will we feel?
Have you tried affirmations? Do you think they’re all just New Age nonsense? Have you been doing them for years and feel that you’re getting nowhere? Are you afraid you’ll just end up muttering away to yourself in the small hours of the morning?
Let me ask you this? Do you have a little self-critic living inside your head? A little voice that, as soon as you have a great new idea, it goes “Who do you think you are, with your great big ideas?” or maybe “It’ll never work, just like that time you …” or even “There’s no point, you’re just no good at that” ? What do you suppose that is? Yep. It’s a little voice doing affirmations. BUT it’s doing negative affirmations!
We all have them, a little inner voice that criticises us when we try anything new, or want a promotion, or want to write a book, or stand up and make ourselves heard. So - if you don’t believe affirmations work - have you noticed how well the negative affirmations DO work? Do you ignore the voice? (Rarely) Laugh at it? (I wish I could) Do you not have an inner voice? (What???) If you don’t, then please write a book about it, because you are one in a million!
For me, affirmations (the positive ones we read about and try out sometimes) are just an attempt to level the playing field. If I’ve been programming myself with negative affirmations for years, it’s only right to start bombarding myself with positive ones to even up the balance. I have years of negativity to combat and conquer. This is not a moan, or an accusation or an “Ain’t it awful” . This is just a fact. I have been accumulating a huge recording of negative messages for years. I have also gathered positive ones, but the negative ones (for most of us) win out.
Now the worm has turned. The little guy (me) is fighting back. The meek are inheriting the earth. And positive affirmations are a fantastic tool in the arsenal of any self-improvement fan. I don’t always find it easy to formulate a “good” affirmation. The best format (according to various experts in the field) is that:
They must be framed in the positive e.g. don’t say you don’t want to be overweight, say that you want to be trim and a healthy weight for you. This is because your mind doesn’t recognise negatives. For example, if I say “Don’t think of a bright blue car” you’ve already gone and done just what I told you not to. Because - in order to know what it is NOT to do - your mind has to reference what a bright blue car is before it can tell itself not to think about it! You’ll think it’s crazy, but you have no idea how convoluted our minds are (and yet, completely logical when you think about it).
Affirmations need to be in the present tense e.g. “I enjoy eating healthily and maintaining my ideal weight”. Your mind can only deal with right now, this minute. Everything in the past has been filed, and what is yet to come is not able to be processed until it comes. If we affirm “I am going to eat healthily” it’s never going to be NOW, so we’ll always be “going” to do it, but never DO it.
The more clear we can make the mental picture, the better the affirmation. e.g. “I am enjoying maintaining my healthy weight of xx lbs”. It gives us a positive, measurable statement to ourselves, backed up by an image of our slender selves, or of our ideal weight appearing on the window of our bathroom scales. Whatever works for you.
I only use the weight issue as an example, it’s quite a common source of affirmations. You can use the same format for any personal development affirmations you want to devise for yourself.
I love hearing from readers when they try any of the self-improvement suggestions from this blog. Comment here or contact me at daria@lifepotential.ie .
